FYI, this is pretty long and there may be some typos as I wrote this on my phone
My girlfriend of almost two years ago broke up with me and it is without a doubt one of the most difficult experiences that I have been through. She was the woman that I expected to marry and have kids with. We talked many times about getting engaged this fall and marrying next year and we both sounded like we were on the same page. She talked about our future kids within a week of breaking up with me. So many aspects of our relationship were so good. We never had any rough times and barely fought. When we had disagreements we resolved them fairly quickly and did our best to listen and respect where the other person was coming from. We were supportive of each other, had each other’s backs, were affection and loving, had a good sex life. There were never any changes to any of those things that suggested a break up was near.
Over the course of our relationship she did express some things to me that I now see were more important than I realized. After I finished grad school and got a full time job I’m 2016 I wanted to move out of my parents house but didn’t have anyone I knew that it could work out with and rent is too expensive on my own. She would mention that she’d like me to move out and would sometimes send me links on Craigslist for people looking for roommates. I didn’t like the idea of living with people I didn’t know so I shot that down. I told her that I wanted to move out before we got married so I could have that real world experience and independence. When she broke up with me she told me that she was bothered that I hadn’t moved out and that I wasn’t independent enough, which made her worry about having to take care of me when we got married and moved in together.
She also brought up that I wouldn’t spend the night at her place enough. She brought this up to me multiple times but I was always hesitating because I sleep poorly in general and even worse away from home. After long work weeks I often just wanted to be in my own bed. I would try to initiate sleeping over more and felt I was doing better in that regard, but I guess it wasn’t enough for her. I was probably spending about one weekend night a month over there.
She also mentioned that she hadn’t met my family. She had met my dad briefly but never my mom. She told me she wanted to meet them so I asked my dad to come to lunch with us. My family is very too themselves and don’t have friends. They don’t socialize. My dad has bad anxiety in those situations and tends to avoid them. When I asked him he sort of brushed it off and said he didn’t want to. I brought it up again to my mom but it never progressed so I gave up. I have an off relationship with my family where we don’t discuss our personal lives. I just let it go rather than trying because I felt uncomfortable.
She also brought up that I wasn’t managing my stress and anxiety well and that I was dumping it on her. I wasn’t being mean, but I was being a downer and bitching a lot. The last couple months at my job have been terrible and I wasn’t handling it well. And to be fair, my job has often made me overwhelmed and stressed and I’ve never handled it well. She would often say I should talk to a doctor about it or a therapist. At one point I did go to a therapist but didn’t like the guy so I stopped. I tried anxiety meds for the first time in my life for a month but I didn’t feel better and they only made me dizzy so I stopped. But when she would bring it up recently I would brush it off. She also told me that she had concerns about my anxiety and how I would be as a father as a result. She never explicitly told me that these things bothered her this much.
She told me about a lot of these things but I never realized how important they were to her and that they may lead her to breaking up with me. Like I said, everything else in the relationship remained great and we continued talking about our future so I assumed that she may have just accepted my quirks or faults even though they bothered her. I feel like if she would have sat down and really talked about her concerns I could have worked on things. She actually made a comment last week that she was worried about my independence and having to take care of me when we’re married so I made an appointment to see an apartment on my own because it was the first time I felt that she expressed this concern. But we never talked about the state of our relationship. She never expressed how much all these things bothered her.
I also shoulder some of the blame as well. As much as I think she could have communicated better, I also think I could have listened more and acted on it. I shouldn’t only act when the relationship is in trouble. I realize that now and want to to better I’m that regard. I also see that my anxiety scared me about a lot things and that I need to work on myself to be happier in general and to improve future relationships.
I called her the night she broke up with me and left a message. She didn’t call back. I texted her a few times after that, asking if there was a way we could work it out. She finally responded and asked me to stop contacting her so I did.
The day after I was with my friend, he told me that he finally felt ready to move out. We looked at apartments last Saturday and signed a lease and I am moving out. I debated if I should tell my ex. I ended up texting her that night only to not receive a response. I wasn’t completely surprised, but I thought telling her was worth a shot just in case it mattered to her.
I don’t really know what I’m expecting posting this. I guess I just want a place to vent and to get feedback that maybe can be useful to me moving forward. I would love for things to work out with her but that’s becoming less and less likely it seems. I just feel terrible overall and miss her greatly. I feel like I’m mourning not only the loss of her but also the loss of the future I expected.
At the end of the day I’m just confused about why she’s responding to me the way she is. I thought we had something worth trying to work out and she’s not even willing to budge in regards to having a conversation about it. I just don’t understand how she can go from talking about the future between us a few days ago to ending it all and asking me not to contact her. I feel like I have so much to say but I can’t say it to her. I know it’ll get better in time but right now it is really rough.
What do you all think? I would love to just get some feedback from some impartial people about how I should move forward and if they think there is any hope.
Tl;dr: GF of nearly two years broke up with me. She never expressed she was having doubts about the relationship and I’m completely blindsided. I didn’t do some of things she asked me too and realize that those things were more important to her than I really thought. Thought a lot over the last few days and realize I can do better, want to fix things, but she asked me not to contact her anymore.
Edit: Based on the comments I’m starting to see an outside perspective which is super helpful. It’s not all easy to hear, but most of it is pretty spot on. Hopefully I can use this as a stepping stone to better myself and become more of an adult.
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