i moved into this 3 bedroom apartment in NYC in January. the roommate in question has lived here for a few years. she's seen other roommates come and go. i'm the newest. the third is a [28M] who's been here since last summer.
i'll get right to it. the second day after i moved in, i came home while she was cooking. i casually said "how was your day?" she replied, "actually, i kind of don't like to talk while i'm cooking or eating. sorry! it's nothing personal." ---- second day. she later apologized, said she was having a rough week, and explained that her kitchen time is sacred to her. she doesn't listen to music or podcasts, she doesn't watch TV or anything -- she prefers peaceful silence when she cooks and eats.
i quickly learned that it goes beyond that. she doesn't like it when anyone is in even in the room with her (the kitchen and living room are all one big room). if i enter the room she says "do you need something?" or "do you need me to get out of your way?" and gets really awkward and anxious until you leave. she says she's just "claustrophobic". it's a large room.
my other roommate told me he's encountered the same thing. namely, her shutting him down when he just says hello: "you know i don't like to talk while i cook. sorry!"
we had enough of feeling uncomfortable in our own home. a few months ago we confronted her, and she started to cry. she said she knows how lucky it is to have two great, normal, clean, employed (and handsome!) guys living with her. she knows she's difficult. she knows it's unreasonable to occupy the kitchen for ~3 hours every night while she cooks, meal preps, and eats. in silence. i explained to her that i don't even care about cooking -- i just want to sit on the couch and relax with some netflix a few nights per week, and that it shouldn't affect her at all. i'm not in her way. she's not in my way. she said she could "probably" handle that.
side note: she wakes up every morning at 5 AM to go to the gym, and then goes to work. her diet is so strict, she even prepares food for flights when she travels. she goes to yoga every single night.
our schedules have hardly overlapped since the talk. there have been 3 times since where i tried to watch tv while she cooked. each time she said "hey i know we said we'd try this new thing, but i'm having a hard day and just wanna have my time and space, is that okay?? thank you!!!" and i oblige and vacate the kitchen.
on friday, she texted us and asked if either of us would need the kitchen on saturday night, as she wanted to cook dinner for herself. we both said no. all yours.
now, i was referring to the kitchen. not the sofa and the TV. so i was enjoying my saturday evening by watching a movie on the couch when she came in and said "hey, you gonna be much longer?" and i said "well, just watching this movie" and she said "um, you said you weren't gonna need the kitchen, and i asked you if you needed it" and i said "yeah, i don't need the kitchen. im just sitting here watching TV" -- she started to get upset, so i just turned off the TV and left the room.
this afternoon, she was cooking and doing her meal prep when i came in to watch the NBA playoffs. she asked what i was doing/how long i was going to be, so she could get out of my way.
i gave it to her straight. i said that this was not what we had agreed to. that i was not going to vacate the room any time she is in the kitchen. i reiterated all the talking points from the previous confrontation -- that it's a shared space. that i'm not at all in her way, she's not in my way, there shouldn't be any issue. she can cook, and i can enjoy my game/movie/tv show. i flatly told her that this is how it is when you live with roommates. you have shared spaces, and you cannot dictate who uses the shared spaces and when.
she started to cry. she said she knows, and she's "trying" to change, but it's hard. she asked me to understand. she said she loves living with me (probably because i was rolling over so easily and staying out of her way). i explained to her that it's SO SIMPLE. just COOK YOUR FOOD. i don't use the kitchen! i'm just sitting here! cook! eat! i'm not gonna talk to you! i'm not gonna bother you! she said she gets it, but it's still hard for her.
she makes excuses as to why she does this. first, she said it's because she doesn't want to be in MY way. then, she said it's because cooking/the kitchen is her escape from the hectic life of the city. the real reason (i suspect) is that she's just an outright control freak, who prefers to have the space all to herself, and resents anyone who tries to get in the way of that.
my time is limited in new york, and i want to enjoy it without the hassle of moving again, or living with someone who makes my home life feel stressed and miserable.
even after our talk this afternoon, she was trying to make "compromises" by suggesting we try and coordinate and communicate when each other wants the kitchen space. no! i don't want to text her when i plan on watching a movie. i don't want to feel like she's looming and waiting for me to be finished. she asked me if i can "meet her in the middle" by not watching TV every single night.
MY QUESTION IS: can i trust that she's going to make a change? and how do i help her? what will remedy this situation? i know she's unwilling to move out, but maybe if this behavior continues the 3rd roommate and i can strongly suggest she vacates.
TL;DR: my roommate cannot handle anyone being in the living room/kitchen with her while she cooks and eats for 2-3 hours each night.
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