Friends (F 23) (F 28) have a threesome with guy (M 23) I like on shrooms

So I'm still processing what happened over a month ago. My friends road tripped to a bush doof, before they disembarked I became quite close with one of the guys Matt who last we spoke said he was infatuated by me and wanted to get to know me more, constantly saying he liked me when we were together and surprise kissing me when our friends weren't around we went on a few dates spent a lot of time together and he even took me to the fucking symphony orchestra on the way home we were stuck in traffic on the highway and started making out in the car with passing cars laughing at us!...

I was quite cautious as he was uncannily like my ex bf and that in itself was a red flag which part of me wanted to listen to .... But unfortunately my emotions were becoming stronger for this guy as I really connected with his spirit. Anyway they go on this great adventure mean while I'm at work quite sick and without relief so shit gets pretty tough but I solider on. Fast forward upon their return my friend Courtney messages me saying come over (she was always in the habit of letting me know when he was there as if she knew I liked him or something) it's Matt's last night before he goes interstate and I was in two minds mainly because I was sick, had work tomorrow and knew they were coming down from drugs or still on them and drinking but I wanted to see him.

I had a glass of red. Everyone was pretty giddy and affectionate which kinda made me feel a bit left out. I had a feeling that one of my friends Lauren (into girls) slept with Matt at the doof but I chose to ignore the thought and just enjoy their company. It gets a bit late and I say my goodbyes but before leaving I noticed they were eating shit loads of shrooms which I've never had before. I made the adult (boring) decision to say no this time because I always say yes on a work night and end up too fucked the next day to pretend I had a "quiet night in". They were pretty upset I was leaving but I left in good spirits.

Come the weekend I go out with the same friends minus guy I like as he is away. They seemed a little off like something was up or there was something I didn't know that they knew. I went home fairly early since it was a Sunday and said my goodbyes. The following night I get a call from Lauren. She's like "hey um there's something I have to tell you" I'm like " yeah whats up?" She says " so that night before Matt went away we ate a lot of shrooms and matt, shan (lesbian) and I started fooling around in the van". I kinda went silent for a while... "Okay" ....she replies "yeah I didn't know you guys were seeing each other we also slept together at the bush doof too" she told me she didn't regret it but my other friend Courtney (lesbian) who is best friends with Matt thought she should tell me out of respect when really she didn't want to be in the middle of it because I quote " she is friends with everyone". But really it just made me feel even more humiliated because she was sorry on his behalf, why would he lead me on for weeks then do something so intimate as if to say "haha you fool you didn't actually believe I was into you!?"

After that conversation I felt pretty shit but I didn't let it stop me from working hard with what I thought was a common flu but after getting over laryngitis turned out to be tonsillitis and now glandular fever lol. Courtney (best friend of Matt's) messages me the day after. Saying " I heard you and Lauren spoke, are you okay?" ... I had no idea how to reply as I was at work sick as a dawg on my own forced to train a bunch of people with emergencies going on and my stress levels were extremely high. I said " I don't know tbh" of course I'm not okay but idk who to trust anymore. I cried myself to sleep that week. And the following. My colleague still didn't come to work and I was left sick without relief again and I chose to avoid this situation of confronting my friends or anyone about this. I left it and left it day after day I felt myself feeling worse and worse. But I was going away in a week on a holiday so I figured I can leave all of that shit behind and start again clean slate.

The days pass and Matt messages me on insta a bunch of random photos of where he is. I didn't know whether to fight/flight so I thought of scenarios in my head. If I choose to ignore him he will know what's up and think I'm way too into him and run. If I respond I could be letting him know that behavior is okay and let him walk all over me or he could think I'm just not into him the way he is/was into me. I chose to play it friends. But I knew I was lying to myself. You know the feelings are real when it hurts.. and fuck it hurt.

The Monday I messaged him like nothing happened and said we should go out one night for chilli mussels. he was v keen. At this point I do believe the girls told him I knew about his drug-fueled threesome after asking my friend how much Matt knows she replied saying " I spoke to him about his actions and I told him to be more aware next time, I really don't want to be involved because I am everyone's friend Matt is my best mate and I have explained to him what I felt he did was unfair but at the end of the day it is what it is" . I responded with an ok. This was after I was invited to ice skating with four other friends (three of which were new) i was so nervous I didn't know whether to bring it up or not.

I was in the parking lot and his voice was the first I heard calling my name! He literally ran up to me and gave me a hug and told me I smelt nice. I was immediately repulsed and sad. Though I showed one hell of a good front.. Matt skated at my speed when I was alone and I literally froze I didn't know how to bring it up or confront him about how I felt about him because I didn't want to a) cause drama b) ruin our friendship c) make matters worse if he didn't feel the same which obviously he doesn't but my heart didn't want to believe that. All I had to say was "look I heard about the threesome you had and at first it made me upset because I actually liked you and thought you liked me".... but then thinking about how stupidly selfish that sounds I chose to shut up and skate.

That was a very difficult night for me because I didn't get to express and communicate how I felt and basically acted as if nothing was wrong.. the day after a shit storm hit at work and enough was enough I ended up leaving my job. I just sat in the car and cried. No turning back now I was basically leaving for my holiday sick as a dawg without a job and possibly without friends. I didn't know if the relationship between the friends was a toxic one or one of growth and exploration that fine line was starting to bug me. It was not until that Friday they had a party and invited everyone except me posting all over insta story making sure I see it. That is what shook me because I'm normally always invited to these house parties and they were talking about this party in front of me with the others that night so I guess I made an assumption they would invite me. It made me upset yet I did not bring it up. Supress, supress, supress.

I left home feeling very unsettled, sick and worried. On holidays of course I managed to get food poisoning from sushi on the second night after getting over a month of the flu and the flight back home was cancelled so my only time to enjoy the night life was ruined by night sweats and aching sore throat, chills vomiting and gastro. I was so sore my bones ached and I thought I was dying. I returned home in the worst possible condition I left BUT to top everything off I figured something has got to give? My friends did not message me not even before I left I sent them messages to see if they wanted to catch up nothin . So I figured they will come to me if they want something or company.

I get back and I see more insta stories tempted to view I see photos and videos of Matt and a girl I met that night at ice skating before I left they we're curling up together holding hands and shit. That made me v uncomfortable especially because it was posted by Courtney the only friend who knew exactly how I felt about this guy... It's almost like she was rubbing the fucking salt in the wound even after I confided in her about my feelings towards matt. I needed a break from Instagram. It didn't take long until I returned and followed a few more of the people I met that night of the threesome, skating to make sense of the story. And yes they were all hanging out as per usual in a life goes on kinda way as if nothing happened. Keeping in mind none of the friends had contacted me to see how I was going nothing.

I felt replaced in a way like they upgraded with these girls and they didn't really care about me nor did they want me around as much as they used to. I started to question my worth in the group and whether it was worth hanging around or just making out like I'm busy with other friends which let's be honest I don't go out and get drunk with other people on work nights they are all sleeping, sensible and antisocial. I followed a few of the new comers in the group the next day the girl warming up to Matt posts a photo of them on her insta and because he's a pilot he was going on about how he wants to take me flying we organised it only for it to always be shit weather. Well the weather was great for them this time around. Yes of course I was pissed off especially seeing her in the co-pilot seat. But it is what it is and there wasn't much I could do which made me angry and that anger made me question my worth and value as to why I'm wasting my time with these people? Why ? Because I have not felt a connection with a group of traditional friends like this since school. It's extremely hard for me to meet up with my long term friends as they work away have partners and their own lives. This group they are so much fun and it's the first time in a long time I have belonged somewhere that is a massive deal. That is why but is it worth me feeling left out and unwanted? Hmm

I was thinking about uploading pictures of me on holidays with hot guys but that shit is pointless, childish and creates more problems than it's worth.I have now been chronically unwell for 4 months. I wonder if this has anything to do with the course of events which were the threesome, my work and not speaking up or standing up for myself or just me stressing too much about nothing.

TL:DR am I stressing about nothing???

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