I've tried to talk to people irl, including therapists, but they haven't really been helpful. They don't really get it.
I know it's hard for other people to imagine how one could lose that many years/what I've been doing. Well, I won't go into great detail, but I had a really horrible relationship with my mom, was also outcasted/bullied by friends in middle school. The relationship with my mom caused so much guilt and shame within me, I think I felt I was a horrible person and deserved suffering and alienation. My subsequent depression and alienation was self-punishment, I knew this but I didn't know how to stop myself. I retreated to the internet/mindlessly watching tv/podcasts. When I tried to interact with peers I'd be so nervous, I would be scared to express myself, just be stiff and bottled up, no one would like me, and so I'd retreat back to the internet.
I am now 31. There's no one I can interact with at this point. I don't relate to people my age, I view them as older than me. I pretend to be on their level, but it is immediately visible that I'm not. My manner, the way I move and behave, and level of life experience is like an unsure teen and I can't hide it.
I can't interact with people younger than me either, even though that's who I naturally feel comfortable with, because I am visibly older than them. They address me as ma'am. They view me as older, an authority figure.
This is especially distressing, because I've gone through a change in my appearance in the last year and half. I was so depressed I never left the house, laid in bed all the time, ate junk food. I aged so much, I'm talking wrinkles and lines appearing, the texture of my skin completely changed, aged 10 years. I look immediately placeable as in my 30s, might even be judged as mid to late 30s.
I can't even adequately perform a minimum wage job I'm so socially awkward and forgetful.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to live.
I still have the same dreams and hopes I did as a young teen. I would love to just be 18 again or at least look much younger. I could actually get to be me for the first time, finally get to be free and explore the world. Do things like get a group of friends, be silly and goof around with them, go out at night to concerts and festivals and parties, fall in love, flirt, experiment with fashion, feel sexy, and go through the whole stage of exploration, experimentation, discovery that young people do.
I think what hurts the most is how much damage I've done to my body and appearance. I can't see how anyone could be attracted to me anymore. I used to have such beautiful smooth skin and hair, and a nice figure. It's gone now. I am angry. Angry at myself for doing this to myself, angry at the universe. Angry that what I've dreamed of my whole life, and still long for so much, I will now never get to experience. I am so deeply saddened by the sight of my physical self and the age my physical body displays, disgusted, it is so so wrong to me and I feel like it can't be real.
When I go into the public, seeing anyone younger than me is like torment. I should be one of them, I feel like one of them, but I am not.
I know this post is a bit deeper than is typical for this sub-reddit, and may be hard to respond to, but I don't know where else to go for advice.
tl;dr- I lost 20 years to depression mostly caused by shame and guilt over relationship with my mom. I am 31 and still act/feel like an awkward teen. Other people can tell, I can't hide it. I look too old to interact with young people, don't fit in with people my age. I missed an entire huge life stage and I can't simply jump into the next stage. Also I am dealing with having ruined my appearance with bad habits, don't feel attractive anymore and never got to have experiences while I was. Don't know what to do and how to be in the world.
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from Relationships https://ift.tt/2kaAzfE
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