My best friend “Jen” was killed in a automobile accident over 3 years ago. She was married to “Matt” for 4 years at the time of the accident (together for 2 years before that). I was really close to Jen; I was a bridesmaid at their wedding; I was that annoying best friend who tagged along with her and Matt on many nights out.
After Jen died, Matt kept a really low-profile. He would mostly hang out with his friends every now and then, but for the most part, he kept to himself. It wasn’t until last November that I and several of Jen’s friends would see Matt fairly regularly again—holiday parties, birthday parties, random happy hour, etc. It was around that point that Matt and I began hanging out quite often by ourselves, but only as friends. We both love movies (I had gone to the movies with Jen and Matt frequently so we resumed that practice). Eventually, I began developing some feelings for Matt. He is thoughtful, respectful, intelligent, ambitious, and good-looking. I decided though that I wasn’t going to make any moves and keep it platonic. For one, I didn’t want to appear as if I was disrespecting Jen. Secondly, I’m pretty self-conscious about my appearance and figured Matt would never be interested in me anyway. Matt is really handsome and in great shape, and Jen was quite beautiful. I don’t consider myself ugly or anything, but I could stand to lose some weight, and the truth is Jen probably could’ve modeled if she wanted to. I’m nowhere close to that looks-wise.
So, imagine my surprise when Matt kissed me after he walked me home from the movies one night. I had wanted to keep it platonic and I still had a few reservations, but after he kissed me, I knew I couldn’t deny it any longer and I wanted to be with him. I researched whether it was in poor taste to date a deceased friend’s spouse, and found that it was actually very common. Also, 3 years since Jen's death seemed like enough time where dating Matt wasn’t disrespectful to her. We had our first official date on Valentine’s Day and the last 3 months have been really wonderful. I’ve had a poor history with men for one reason or another (my longest relationship had been 4 months to someone emotionally abusive), and Matt is the first man to actually tell me he loves me and thinks I’m beautiful.
Unfortunately, several people we considered really good friends have been judgmental and no longer speaking to us. Matt felt obligated to notify Jen’s family and we thought that’d be the main concern, but her parents and siblings were completely fine with it. Most of our other friends don’t have any issues with Matt and I dating. However, it had gotten back to me via a mutual friend that Jen’s best friend from College thought I always had a thing for Matt and was waiting for the perfect opportunity to swoop in, everything of which is completely untrue. Another good friend of mine that I met through Jen didn’t invite Matt or me to her housewarming, which we thought was odd because she’s invited us to everything for many years, and she’s completely ignored my texts for about a month. Matt has noticed a couple of Jen’s friends have deleted him on Facebook, people he’s known for 9 years and has been friendly with. A few people I’ve met through Jen deleted me also, but nobody I’m particularly close to. Normally, I’m not bothered by people’s opinions of me, but I must admit the actions of the college best friend and and the friend ignoring my texts have been hurtful because I considered them really good friends.
I want to reach out to these friends, but I don’t know particularly what to say, but I’m also wondering if these friends are even worth and I should just cut my losses.
tl:dr Began dating the spouse of my deceased best friend 3 years after her death, a few friends are turned off by it, wondering if I should reach out or just ignore them
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