Boyfriend's son is 11. Boyfriend and son have always slept together (even though son has his own bedroom). They are very close (I'd say almost co-dependent). I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 years, and when he had his own place, it didn't seem as concerning (plus son was younger).
We decided to move in together a year ago and discussed son sleeping in his own room. That lasted a couple of months. Now, whenever he's here (which is every second week for the full week), he either falls asleep in the master bedroom with his dad while watching tv, or asks me if he can sleep in there with his dad (at his dad's request a lot of times). He sleeps in there the entire time he's here now.
I sleep in the spare room. Meanwhile, he has a really nice bedroom with a new bed and all his stuff across the hall. All my clothes, pills, creams, sex toys (!!!) are in the master bedroom in my bedside table.
I don't fault the son at all. He loves his dad, he's young for his age, and he wants the comfort of sleeping with him. Sometimes he's even referred to it as "our" bedroom (his and his dad's). As well, he (and his dad) allow the dog up on the bed to sleep with them, which I do not when I sleep there the rest of the time because it makes me stuffy. I've told my boyfriend that I would prefer the dog NEVER sleeps on the bed, but it still happens. When his son goes back to his mom's, I strip the bed, change all the sheets and clean up (there is candy, pop, chips, socks, books, etc piled up on the bedside table beside my side).
My issue isn't with the child. He's 11 (going on 12). I know he'll be entering puberty soon and will naturally sleep alone. He's already taking a big growth spurt so I know it's coming soon. I also understand his dad probably wants to hold on to the last remaining bits of his only child's childhood. This is how they always slept since the divorce, and it probably brings him a lot of comfort.
My main issue is with my boyfriend. We have had several discussions about this (in fact, it was discussed and agreed upon before we ever moved in together last year that this would end in this new house). I don't want to alienate or upset his son, so I tell my boyfriend privately that I don't think it's appropriate that I am sleeping in the spare room while he sleeps with his pre-teen son in our room.
The problem is: NOTHING CHANGES. It's not like I think it will go on forever. It's that I feel disrespected and unimportant to my boyfriend. Basically he knows this upsets me and doesn't really care. His desire to sleep beside his son outweighs his concern for my happiness. So even though it will end soon naturally, this has left a bad taste in my mouth because it shows me that my concerns/feelings aren't heard or important to him. Plus, it really bugs me that I am relegated to the spare room for 1/2 the time every month, and as soon as his son goes back to his mom's, I'm expected to come back. It seems extra rude that I'm the one "kicked out" (in theory) instead of both of them going to sleep in his son's room.
It's worth noting that his son always sleeps in his own bedroom 100% of the time when he is living at his mom's. His mother has a boyfriend that lives there, and they sleep together. The son seems to have no issue with that at all. It's also worth noting that (to me) he has a very typical, normal relationship with his mom. However, he seems overly dependent with his dad. He seems clingy and younger with his dad (and his dad treats him young -- always walking holding hands, etc).
Again, this isn't really about their dynamic (which I know is unusual for his age, but I also know will change naturally over the next couple of years as he goes through puberty). It's more about the fact that I feel very disrespected, not to mention that there are 2 full weeks every month when sex is not happening because we can't sleep together. <-- and my boyfriend doesn't seem at all concerned about that.
**tldr** bf lets 11 year old son sleep with him when he is at the house we share (which is every second week as he has 50\% custody), while I sleep in the spare room.*\*
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