EDIT: I know it's only been up for 20 minutes, but I can see the direction to take. R is the top of my list and once my (ex)-boyfriend wakes up, I'll be waiting for him to tell him to leave. I'm taking the rest of the week off work to handle R and keep him stabilized through the process and try to explain to him that they have to go for things to be better. Thank you all so much for the quick burst of confidence and the clarity I needed to finish this ugly process.
Throwaway because I don't want this linked to my real account since my boyfriend knows the name of it. I don't know if he Reddits but I don't want to take any chances until I have a clear course of action laid out.
Let me start off by saying I love my son dearly. He's the youngest of 2. My eldest son is in college but visits from time to time. My son in question, we'll call him 'R', is 16, and has low - medium functioning autism, depending on what doctor you talk to. He's pretty much right at the line. He has the vocabulary of a 2-3 year old. He can't stand any loud noises and wears headphones most of the day to muffle sounds when we have company or something over. He is very well behaved, however, his last outburst was years ago (minus what I'm writing about). He's been doing wonderfully with recognizing when he's getting overstimulated and will remove himself until he's ready to return. He is also very responsible. He does his chores every day (dishes and sweeping daily, and dusting, mopping, and laundry every Saturday). He has a cat for 7 years so far and he solely cares for him. His cat is his world, and truthfully, he is his cat's world. That cat adores him. I could describe his qualities and gush about him for hours, but that would take too long to read, so hopefully this little bit will tell you enough about him.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years before I moved him and his children in with us. He was always great to my children and our kids got along. He and his kids have been living with us for 8 months now and I'm having a hard time getting past some issues.
The first one I noticed I put an instant stop to. It was with his children. His daughter is 14 and his son is 17. I usually get off work at 5, so by then the kids are all home from school. But this time I came home early because I wasn't feeling well. What I heard was infuriating. For years, R always wanted a 3DS with this game with these little people you make and they all live on an island or something. He loves that game. Anyway, the 17 year old had my son's 3DS and was holding it away from R. He was taunting him in the most terrible ways as well, screeching and calling him an "Autist" and asked him if he was going to go into an "Autist rage". My son was sitting on the floor and crying and just saying "please" over and over.
Well, I stormed in and grabbed the 3DS before yelling to my boyfriend (who was home at the time, might I add!) to get his ass out here and get his son in line. My boyfriend tried to say they were just playing and brothers tease each other. I reminded him I have 2 sons and while I have seen sibling rivalries, my eldest has never done anything like that or made fun of R's autism. In fact, my 2 boys are very close, and have gotten closer when their father walked out.
Another issue I have is my boyfriend's anger. He hates cats with a passion. This is where the mentioning of how much R loves his cat comes into play. Also, this was a scary outburst from R. Anyway, my boyfriend was angry about something, I don't remember what, but he was screwing our coffee table together and the cat was storming through the house like cats do (it didn't help that R gave him some catnip and was playing with the laser pointer with him a few minutes earlier), well, the cat ran past my boyfriend a few times on his way to jump up on the back of the couch before his usual routine or jumping on the couch, over to his kitty house, along the window ledge, and down out into the hallway and into R's room, and repeat. Cats sometimes go apeshit, that's how they expend energy. Anyway, after the 3rd or 4th time the cat ran past, my boyfriend slapped the cat away. R saw this and his usual cheery face just fell. I can't explain it, but it was like a switch was flicked, and he charged at my boyfriend and pushed him into the living room wall. R is not very big, he's only 5'3" and maybe 110 llbs soaking wet, but he sent my boyfriend flying.
R then shouted "No!" at my boyfriend and pointed at him. But before I could snap back from the shock of that outburst, my boyfriend pushed R against the wall and held the screwdriver to his throat. R began to scream and fell to the floor, and started rocking and screaming. I told my boyfriend to get the hell out. He had to find another place for him and his kids to live because I was not going to have anyone hold anything against any of my children's necks like that. I honestly never saw anything like that before.
Well, R and my boyfriend made up after a few hours. My boyfriend went for a walk to calm down and when he came back he went straight to R and said he was sorry for hurting his cat, R said he was sorry too. R made my boyfriend also say sorry to the cat and give him some treats.
This was all about 6 months ago and while things seem to be semi-normal again, I'm still having an issue with him not stopping his children from picking on R. They don't do it when my eldest son is home, especially since R is his shadow. My boyfriend seems to tune out when he's home, playing his computer games with music on so he doesn't hear half of it, plus I moved him out of the master bedroom and into one of the spare rooms. I just can't get the image of him holding an object up to my son's throat, and I never heard screams like that from R before. They were screams of pure terror. I can't get it out of my head.
We're working on rebuilding trust again but at the same time I don't know if I even want to. That changed the way I look at him and his kids. I've spoken to so many people about this and I'm getting mixed responses. Some say it's a huge red flag because what if he loses his temper again, and some more say it sounds like one of those things that get out of hand and R started it by pushing him.
Another factor that plays is if they do move out and I call it quits with my boyfriend, it will be another change to R's life so soon and I don't like stressing him out so much. It was so hard on him when his father left, and when his brother left for college, and also when my boyfriend moved in with his kids. It's a lot of stimulation for him.
I guess I'm asking for your imput now, reddit. I'm prepared to work either way, and frankly, I'm leaning towards helping them find their own place to live and calling it quits. I guess I need that one final push to go through with it.
TL;DR - My boyfriend held a screwdriver up to my autistic son's throat and his children bully him. I don't think it's worth saving but I also don't want another big change in R's life so soon.
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