Figured I'd re-use an old throwaway for a new problem.
I'm currently 8 weeks out from my wedding. I'm having an issue with my boundary-stomping mother asking for what I currently feel is an unacceptable compromise regarding inviting a family member that I am estranged from. Back story is required.
My Mom's (50sF) brother (50sM) got in some trouble when he was younger, which resulted in a criminal record. Nothing violent or end of the world. He later got busted on a drug charge and ended up in prison for a couple of years. During this time my mom felt very responsible for his mental health and keeping him going. She was writing him frequently (multiple times/week) and would call him whenever she could. She asked me (18 at the time F) and my little brother (14 at the time M) to keep in touch with him as well, but I was in college and though I had nothing against my uncle, I didn't know him well and it was low on my priority list. I wrote a couple of times.
When he was released, my mom moved him to our state to care for him. I was commuting to school so I was still at home. He lived in the downstairs bedroom, and we were all upstairs so it was almost like a separate apartment. I was aware he still clearly had a drinking problem, but my mom kept "accidentally" enabling it (read as- gave him money, which he then spent on alcohol.)
One day, I was home alone in the afternoon and I heard a knock on the back door. There was a stranger supporting my uncle, and he explained that my uncle had clearly been driving drunk, and had hit someone's mailbox. He removed my uncle from the scene while the woman called the police because, "I used to have a drinking problem too, it's better if they don't find him, because that way they can't prove it was alcohol related." I let my uncle inside, but he let me know that since the car was still there, the police might show up at our house looking for him. He begged me to lie and say he wasn't home. At that point I told him under no circumstances would I lie to the police to protect him from his idiotic actions, and I left. To my knowledge he was only ticketed for that incident.
Fast forward a couple of years, I'm living away from home in an apartment with my now-fiance (then boyfriend), and my uncle has been in an out of rehab, AA, the whole nine-yards. We don't have much of a relationship, but I see him at family events occasionally and we are friendly. My grandma (his and my mom's mom) is quickly getting very sick (cancer) and this sends him into a downward spiral. He's back to drinking and being generally belligerent, and I'm in my senior year of college, desperately trying to graduate while suffering from incredible depression and anxiety.
My mom was his main support system, though at this point he was no longer living with her. Instead living with his girlfriend (who he met in AA- big no no.) I'm constantly hearing from my mom about how she's afraid he's drinking and possibly on drugs and how it's breaking her heart that this is how grandma is seeing her son in her last days. Grandma lived multiple hours up north, and a lot of the family was up there- including my uncle. I got a call from my mom saying that things had taken a very sudden turn for the worse and that I should probably leave right then if I wanted to say goodbye. I declined to talk to grandma on the phone (she was not conscious at that point and I was in a state of shock and probably pre-grieving). I tried to figure out how I could get there in time, but it just wouldn't work out financially or with work and school and honestly I wanted to remember my grandma as the vibrant woman I had known, not a shell lying unconscious in a hospital bed. I also did not want to deal with the craziness my mom was describing about my uncle's behavior. My grandma died the next day.
The "celebration of life" was planned for a couple weeks later, but then moved because my cousin had a travel hockey game and I had a huge event I had been preparing for for nearly a year. My cousin then decided he was too upset to play hockey for a while (they were very close) and the CoL was moved back to the original date (when I had my big event). I expressed my hurt feelings over the fact that my schedule was being ignored when my cousin's had been considered and was told by my mom that his schedule was considered more because he spent more time with grandma. (He has special needs and lived at home and didn't go to school or work at the time, I was working full time and going to school, leaving no time to make multiple day trips up north.) This was INCREDIBLY hurtful, because I was also very close to my grandma, even if I didn't get to see her frequently.
In the end, I decided to go to my event, have an employee cover the middle section while I went to (the entire) CoL, and then returned to the event afterwards. This was upsetting to basically everyone in the family, but especially to my mom. She felt it was disrespectful to not devote my entire day to the event. I explained that this was how I grieved, by retaining as much normalcy as possible, and that I felt this was a fair compromise since I would be there for the whole thing and my schedule was ignored when planning was occurring.
That night I checked my phone and found MULTIPLE voicemails that were multiple minute long rants from my clearly inebriated uncle calling me nasty names, and saying things like, "You're a terrible human being, you're breaking your mother's heart, you're clearly not a part of this family and you hated grandma."
I still went to the CoL, and avoided my uncle (who was drunk).
Fast forward a little more than a year and a half to now.
I haven't spoken to my uncle since those voicemails. As far as I'm aware he has been in and out of rehab, was put back in jail for some time, and is now living with the same girlfriend who is also on and off the wagon.
I'm planning my wedding and the question of his invite was brought up a few times by my mom. The first time I considered a compromise, like inviting him to the ceremony itself, but not allowing him at the reception (with an open bar). But after much thought I decided I just didn't want him there. He hasn't apologized, but more importantly he hasn't reached out or had any sort of contact with me. He has made not a single effort to be involved in my life. I decided that my wedding was not the proper time for a reconcilliation, but that this didn't mean I would never have him in my life again. I explained this to my mom, and though she clearly didn't like it, she gave in and said she would cooperate. She offered to be the information bearer, and to tell him my wishes. I thought that was that, and haven't thought about it in months.
Yesterday I got a call from my mom asking to talk about "family things". I told her I was free and asked what was going on. She said "Just hear me out in full before you say anything." and I knew we were headed nowhere good. Basically she explained that my grandpa would be flying in for my wedding but that he would only be here for 4 days rather than the original 2 weeks he was planning, and couldn't I find it in my heart to allow my Uncle to come to the wedding for the sake of my grandpa. My grandpa is very ill and has severe dementia, which is why he is coming for a shorter time. She went on to say "I know there are people on (In-law's) side of the family that I didn't necessarily want to invite but did" so he should be in the same category. She also said, "I just thought that since this is a Christian wedding at a Catholic church you would find some compassion in your heart and forgive him." It took all my will to not hang up on her then and there. She proposed him being invited to the ceremony and only one hour of the reception under close supervision of my aunt and cousin (who I was already told would be watching over my grandpa- but that's a whole other story. I don't think he should be travelling in his condition, even if it means missing my wedding, and I don't want family members to miss out because they are babysitting.)
To be clear- the in laws that I didn't want to invite but did are kind of annoying, but they aren't alcoholics who have threatened violence in the past.
I'm just at a loss. I feel like no matter what I do, I lose. If I give in and let him come, I will be anxious about his presence, whether or not he is on his best behavior. At this point even if he is a perfect gentleman, his presence will be upsetting to me. If I stand up for myself I feel like I'm being painted as the selfish bride who is ruining a family reunion. I truly don't know what to do. I feel like "family comes first" unless family is me.
TL;DR My mom is trying to guilt me into inviting my alcoholic uncle who ruined the last days of my grandma's life to my wedding and I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place.
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