Throwaway account. I have no one to talk with, and this thing is killing me I can't keep it inside.
So, what started as a casual conversation, turned out to be the reason she almost dumped me. She was telling me about one of her friend that is in an abusive relationship, and she was feeling sorry for her, because she wanted to find a solution. I told her that I've never been in an abusive relationship but from all the stories I heard, it isn't easy to just run away. And that's where everything started.
She replied that she thought I once told her that my ex-girlfriend cheated on me, and to her this was a symptom of an abusive relationship. I told her that actually she didn't properely cheated on me, it was a particular situation, we were in that phase of a relationship (at the beginning) between "just dating" to "officially in a relationship". Actually one week after my ex slept with that other guy, we became "officially" in a relationship. But you know, that's a blurry situation... at the time I considered it as "cheating" but later on, as I faced the fact that we weren't still officially a couple, I didn't know if that could have been considered "cheating".
When I finished explaining that, she started screaming. She found outrageous that I first tell her how my ex cheated on me, when it actually was a more complicated situation. I told her that probably the first time I mentioned that fact I was just trying to make it easy, but to her i was lying on purpose, and kept the "real" version of the story a secret for no reason. She than started saying I was trying to gaslight her and that I was trying to make appear my ex as a whore when she actually wasn't. She also asked me why I lied first, and I told her that I couldn't remember exactly what I was thinking the first time I told her that story (one year ago). She didn't believe me and thought I kept it as a lie all this time, while I actually just forgot what I told her one year ago.
To her, the fact that I lied on the first place, and that from that lie I was throwing sh*t to another woman was just unacceptable. I admitted I was wrong when I first told her the story, but that from my point of view the only thing I changed was the fact that instead of already being in a relationship, we were in that moment just before (one week actually).
I realized it was dumb that the first time I told her that story I changed that detail because maybe I thought that if I talked that way about my ex, she would feel better. That was dumb, I admit it.
She started saying that she felt betrayed, that she probably could no longer trust me, and that I possibly ruined our relationship.
Now, I can understand part of what made her mad. It's true that I didn't told her the whole story about my ex, and that from that "partially modified" story I could have putted my ex under a bad light. But it was just a minimum detail to me. I honestly don't understand how she can say I was trying to gaslight and manipulate her with all this...
Am I not seeing how bad it was? Is it really that unforgivable what I did? I feel so sorry and so sad.
I obviously apologized her, but that wasn't enough for her. She said that "by now" she wont dump me, but she feel like she probably doesn't feel the same as before about me.
I'm desperate because I love her so much and losing her would be the end for me. I want to repair what I broke but I don't know what to do, or what to say. But mostly, I'm feeling so bad because I honestly don't think I did something so terrible, and that mean that maybe I'm really such a bad person that can do horribly things without even realizing it...
Sorry if what I wrote is long and confused (and sorry for my english) but I have no one to talk with and I really needed to take that off my chest
TL;DR Girlfriend almost dumped me after I changed details about something I told her.
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