My sister became pregnant about 8 months ago and was really worried about living so far from our parents and family, I was looking for a new place and had just gotten a well paying job and offered to help them move out here. My sister and I have been close in the past and in the past she has been a good communicator, although, we haven't lived in the same home since I was in my late teens and she was in Jr. High. All in all, I respected her and never witnessed her treat anyone with anything less than patience and openness.
Well, when she first moved in it was a nightmare. I gifted them the first month and a half of rent (we moved in mid month), and then her husband didn't find work immediately, and I ended up offering to pay for extras, including two more months rent, all utilities, internet, furniture, and approximately 500$ on food and incidentals. In April he started working and, they paid rent. They also paid for May, only just yesterday after I had to bring it up several times. They haven't offered to pay for any other utilities, or asked about the cost, and I haven't brought it up because it was a big enough pain for them to pay this amount, but I know I need to.
Now, that's just about the money, and money isn't that important to me, but I think it is indicative of their larger feelings. They had money before this and could have paid rent, but spent it on prepping for the baby, and they had rent money all month, they just "kept forgetting to write me a check." The problem though isn't the money, the problem is either them or me, but I want them out as soon as possible. If I didn't feel so uncomfortable living in this space with them, I wouldn't mind this part of it.
Before they moved in We talked about whether or not they would be on the lease, and I explained lease obligations. I said if we couldn't afford a place, I would pay additional in rent until Brian got a job (our area is very expensive and they were moving from a low rent area). We also said we would have weekly house meetings, keep the place clean, and be open and communicative as things came up. I stressed that most importantly, even if we don't get along, we have to afford each other the respect we would give any other housemate because this is a home, and even though we are family, we need to respect that everyone deserves space in their home. I was very optimistic about it. I heard from my mom and family members right before they moved in that Jani was worried about it, and very anxious about it because of things that happened when we were little. I figured we would work it out and things would be okay.
We talked a lot about how I had a very stressful job and no time for shopping or chores, or in general putting together a home, so they could focus on that and take more charge of it, and I would be grateful for the help. I said I would give them money for groceries if they would pick up some things for me. All in all, I really should have been much more clear upfront about what I expected, but they've always kept a nice home before, so I assumed this would work.
Week one When they moved in, I'm not sure if they knew I had a strict rule that my dad isn't present in my home ever, but they should have. I almost didn't attend their wedding until they promised to never leave me alone with him and not sit us near each other, and to have certain key people also informed so they could step in if he started harassing me. I said I couldn't handle their wedding without support because he's been abusive and their wedding was miles from public transit or cell reception. (i.e., I couldn't leave). So, they agreed, but I guess they only agreed because I made them, not because they really genuinely understood that it was essential to my ability to be there. Anyway, move in day, not only did he come into my apartment when I wasn't there, he apparently made conversation with a drunk man and may have let him inside as well, and then they put some random furniture in my room because I "might want it". I was furious! I was genuinely furious that it had to be said that you can't put things in another person's room just because you think they might want it, least of all, an entire bedroom set. I was sleeping at my boyfriends that night and immediately demanded to know when it would be moved and I was very triggered and told them in no uncertain words that my father was not welcome here, that he couldn't even be in my place if I was gone without my explicit permission. Anyway, they apologized, but told me not to expect them to never have him over. They would give notice to me whenever he would come, but that was it.
The first few weeks
The first few weeks were really strange. They took a few days to rest, or a week. Then they put together the kitchen. Unpacked all of their things into all common closets, no discussion of shared space. Started hanging things, and talking about the colors they would paint the place. But in general, they left the place a huge mess. Like, 6 days of trashbags in the kitchen (I didn't say anything, and that's my fault, but when someone does something like that and you get home from working 10 hours and all you see is mess everywhere, you sometimes don't want to say anything because you can't say it in a way that is friendly. But, I realize that was a mistake). We eventually painted, and they left all the painting supplies out for over a week. I got home from work at 11:00 at night and just couldn't stand it anymore. So without a word, I just cleaned up all the tape, put drop rags away, actually found where paint had spilled and almost ruined the floor. I cleaned the entire common space, swept, and then felt much much better. The next day, they actually did start cleaning and putting things away. It was great.
During this whole time I wasn't the best communicator, but one consistent problem was that when we moved in there was only 1 set of keys. I left it with them because they don't work and had time to run other errands (go to farmers market, pick up things, see the area), so they said they would get a spare made. 3 weeks later it wasn't made. I asked several times and eventually said (after getting locked out and having to call and pound on the door for over 10 minutes), "give me the keys because you can't seem to make them". They apologized and made the keys. Finally.
During this time, it seemed to me (and perhaps I'm wrong), that every time I brought up a choice in organization that I thought wasn't the best, that it was dismissed by Jani, not Brian who was pretty quiet on the things, then she would fight about it and argue with me, and just wouldn't let it go for most decisions. She made like 2 compromises and chose 98% of how the home is set up. So... I started to feel like this was really shit.
The talk
We decide to talk about putting together a roommate contract. I spend hours journaling and figuring out what are the key things that I want to accomplish. I start by talking about being open, nonjudgemental, and trying to find things that work for everyone. They agree. I talk about the messiness. Jani's response is: You expect so much! We are not just sitting on our assess all day. You aren't grateful for everything we do do. All other things I brought up pretty much went that way. She just says she feels attacked, and like I expect so much of them, and that I only call when I want something.
She further goes on to explain that all of my contributions to talking about home organization or home life came across to her as criticisms of her hard work. I apologize, say that I am grateful, but that I'm not asking for a lot. I let her make 90% of decisions and only bring things up if it's really a deal breaker for me. I'm a pretty flexible person so major deal breakers were about me needing a microwave, me wanting the trash not to be next to the fridge or stove, my needing an open floor plan rather than one that's overstuffed with furniture and things you can trip on.
This talk went okay and I assumed things would improve.
Things did not improve After my birthday and a trip I took the weekend after, I realized that they really don't care about me. They wished me a happy bday because they saw me in the AM, didn't ask about my day, my trip when I got back, or really how I was doing at my new job. Everytime we talked it felt strained. One day, I was trying extra hard to play nice and we were genuinely connecting for a moment and things seemed to be on the up and up. We chatted a little about relationship and both agreed to be less judgemental. I guess I felt safe when I shouldn't have because I felt comfortable saying: I have some paintings that I've been waiting for 5 years to have my own place to hang them, so I just want to hang them and not have a big discussion about it.
Jani got really mad. She said, "what if I hate them? I have no say in this?" So, I decided to explain why these two paintings were so symbolically significant to me, which is basically a long story to do with the trauma of unstable housing and not having your own place. I haven't really been in control of my life since 2011 until now. So, I'm crying even now thinking about how far I've come. Anyway, she ended up yelling at me and lambasting me and telling me I always say "You don't understand because you haven't done____." I don't know, I'm not always the best person, but I hope that isn't something she's come to expect. She's crying every where and telling me that I'm really hurtful and something just snapped. I just shared with her something so personal I had never spoken it to another human being, and it was about me being able to be independent for the first time in years, and how important that was to me. And she just let it go by and felt judged and ended up telling me not to put that "on her".
Later on, we had a discussion about this talk and about my feelings and she just kept repeating: I have to take care of myself and keep myself as the priority, and you should do the same. Well, me prioritizing myself is her moving out, I decided not to say that at the time. But after these two talks, I honestly lost all of my trust for her. It doesn't help that she never leaves the home and I'm never home without her (okay, it has happened as much as 1-2 times per month, but that's not something I can count on). In response to these two things, I just start focusing on my job and ignoring everything in my home. Queue feeling really depressed and a little self loathing. As I'm trying to maintain some semblance of life, my partner get's into an accident and nearly dies. He's in recovery, but we spent over 1 week at the hospital.
I half move in with him for about three weeks and come back home and just feel off. It's polite most of the time, but we rarely speak and I feel completely uncomfortable all the time that we are home.
last night
I've been really anxious that I will get a noise complaint or piss off my landlord or neighbors with the baby. I've brought it up 3 times over 3 months and each time it has been brushed aside. First time, I said we should look at getting a carpet or what we can do to minimize noise, they didn't respond, but birth was still months away. Last month, I mentioned it again, and I said, I've heard of noise cancelling devices maybe we could look into that, do you have time to google it? Her response, "I just can't add one more thing to my list (aka, I have to prioritize myself, which has become her mantra of late). I drop it and bring up that I'm feeling anxious about getting kicked out to my mom at a family thing (I have an unorthodox rental agreement that is not legal). They are both present and don't say a single word on the topic. So, last night, I bring it up to my sister, her husband had already gone to bed, and I say, we need to set aside some time to talk about this because the idea of me getting kicked out is causing anxiety. She says sure. I say, great, in the past you haven't been open to it, so that's positive. [major mistake I made was mentioning the past]. She basically angrily demands when she hasn't been on board. I mention the most obvious example of offering to pay for a noise canceling machine, but she said no. She responds with: I said, I couldn't do it. I didn't say you shouldn't.
I'm literally thinking this is insane. Right? This is insane. If you want to find a solution, then you would problem solve it. Not just say, No, I'm not going to do that. So I say, "You don't get credit for being open to helping on this problem because you shut it down." She says, "Sister, if you want help problem solving, then maybe you shouldn't bring so much blame into every discussion." With tons of attitude. I lose it.
I respond: You don't give a shit about my feelings. If you did, I wouldn't have to ask for rent 4 times when you know I'm broke and you have the money.
I said some other things as examples of them both not caring, but I honestly don't remember at this time what I said. But, I just want them gone. But now, I feel like a complete ass hole. They are having a baby in 2 weeks (so obviously not before or immediately after), but then I need them out. I need some of my sanity back and they clearly have no investment at all in my wellbeing. But am I being unreasonable? She's going to have a baby in a few weeks and making someone move 1 month after giving birth seems really cruel. I just don't know how to live like this anymore. It's really been effecting my ability to sleep and be productive at work.
And yes, I have signed up for therapy, I'm going tomorrow and we are going to work on medications and self-love, but my real question is: Can I tell them to move? Am I heartless? I've never had kids and probably won't. I know she has had a tough pregnancy. But I'm just super over it. And to bring it back to the money thing, it's just another of my needs that is consistently ignored, unless I ask several times. I think my sister just expects me to ask several times.
TL;DR Asked my pregnant sister and her husband to move in with me so that they could move back to our state for the birth of their first child. It hasn't gone well and I want them to move. Considering the baby is due in 2 weeks, what are my options?
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