I met my husband at the gym I work at. At the time, he was working out and not an employee, although he works there with me now. So back in 2009, he would occasionally work out with (not his real name) Mark. Mark is 27 years younger than (we'll call my husband) H. Mark is married to a retired stripper. No kidding.
H remains in fantastic shape due to his accomplishments as a competitive body builder when he was in his 20's. Mark played football and was rostered on 2 NFL teams, although he never played. They were gym buddies and occasionally social outside the gym. If you saw the two walk into a place together, you'd think "Holy shit, those guys are HUGE and handsome." They have pretty much only that in common.
Me being a new employee at the gym, I got to know all the clients. It's a community center. It's in my job description. Here it is 9 years later, and some of the long-time clients are very social with H and I. Just setting up the atmosphere here.
Back to history. I had been newly divorced. Everyone got to know that about me and truthfully, everyone remained completely professional. I didn't have guys obviously hitting on me. I joked around with everyone and it has always been friendly, funny and appropriate with everyone. Then, I started to "like" H. I asked my boss if it would be OK for me to pursue H socially. I got the OK. Long story short, we started dating.
During this time, we once went out with Mark and his wife (she's lovely, btw). We had a great time at a nice restaurant. Mark would continue to work out at the gym, but not with H because he now worked there. Mark then got a coaching job and would come into the gym a lot with the team. I saw Mark all the time at the gym.
One time, when H was right there with us, I was working and bent over to pick up some weights and Mark said, "Nice view from here!" Or something stupid like that. I laughed it off and thought nothing of it. H (who was bf at the time - this was almost FOUR years ago) didn't show any seeming distress over it. Honestly, I don't even remember it. The only reason I can write that previous paragraph is because this is how H tells me it went down.
Mind you, as a woman, guys say stupid shit like that to women all the time. If they didn't, they're be no "Me Too" movement.
Anyway, Mark took a job at a different gym and we both hardly ever see him any more. In fact, the last time I saw him was when he came to my son's funeral in October. Before that, I have no idea. That's how little Mark means to me.
In 2015, H and I got married and I moved in. Overall, things were going great. We had to iron out the "rules" of living together much like roommates need to. Still, everything was fine.
Then we had a fight. I don't remember what it was about. But let's say it was about me leaving dirty dishes in the sink. Out of the blue, H brings up Mark. I'll skip the word-for-word, but he was bringing it up as if I had an affair with Mark. Something like, "Yeah, you didn't mind when Mark was making sexist comments about your butt!" WHAT?! I had to ask him what he was talking about because for one, this has nothing to do with dirty dishes. Two, I don't remember Mark making a comment about my butt. Three, I abhor when guys go to strip clubs, let alone marry the stripper, and Mark is a far cry from "my type". Four, there's nothing there, never has been, haven't seen Mark in a long while, don't even know his phone number of FB or anything social about him, it's as if he never existed to me. So why is this a problem? I thought I made enough points to have this be resolved.
Until he brought it up again a few months later during an argument about something else unrelated.
Repeat four months after that. Repeat two weeks ago. The same fucking fight. This time, we were going on our usual 4 mile walk and I was talking current events which happened to be about Tom Brokaw.
This time, I said, "Why do you keep bringing that up! Let's make a rule that we don't bring up resolved fights again." And that turned into him accusing me of defending Mark. I stopped speaking to him. Because it's crazy to have that fight yet again.
Shortly after, H got sick with a sinus infection and bronchitis. It's bee 13 days and I haven't slept in the same bed, and he has not even made eye contact with me either at home nor at work. It's so awkward at work now, I can hardly stand it. I want to resolve this.
Or I want to leave. HELP!
Td;lr This is such a common problem but I have a few specific complications and I'm looking for advice to help him hear and believe how it never should have been an argument in the first place.
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