I am just so sad. I keep crying/tearing up/about to cry even at work and at home.
He was my college boyfriend. We started dating at the beginning of my 2nd semester and broke up at the beginning of my last semester of college. He was my first love. I was heartbroken when he broke up with me. It was a very confusing time, because he broke up with me because he needed to deal with some things and thought he was badly affecting me, but after a few months, wanted to get back together. I was very hurt and confused, and while I didn't rule out the idea of getting back together, I was enjoying my first time being single as an adult.
Things went poorly from there -- we were both dating other people, but he was always calling me or texting me while drunk. I asked him to stop and he never did. I ended up blocking him from calling/texting me. Then he slowly started to send me messages on Facebook, so I blocked him there too after I asked him to stop messaging me and getting so upset when I didn't respond. Then 3 years ago, he sent me a Snapchat where he made a reference to killing himself with a gun. This was at 3am and I read it and immediately called his friend to check on him. I blocked him on Snapchat after that.
Since then he has not been involved in my life. I ran into him a few times. I think about him often, even though I did not want to be in a relationship with him. But he was such an important part of my life during such formative years of my life that so many things are tied to him. I think I just had it in my head that we'd be able to reconnect as friends and be thankful for the time we had together.
However, I didn't think we were at that point yet, because I got engaged 6 months ago, to the guy I'd been dating for 4 years. He's absolutely the love of my life. I don't believe my ex knew or saw anything about that, but I just imagined that he would be upset and wouldn't be able to be "just friends," while processing that I was getting married. Since he was blocked on all social media, I didn't really know what was going on in his life either. I imagined he was dating people and just moving forward in life. **EDIT: Also, my fiance has been amazing with this. He's seen me cry everyday for the last week or so. He just holds me and lets me cry. He completely understands that I'm having a difficult time and is being very supportive.
Last week, I got an email from his dad that he had taken his own life the day before. My heart felt like it broke into 1 million pieces. I couldn't believe and I still cannot believe it. I went to his funeral and it was the most difficult and saddest thing I've ever experienced. I was mentioned during the family's eulogy -- that he got to experience real love during his short life and they mentioned me by name and how thankful they are for that. I thought that after the funeral, I would start feeling better and moving on. That hasn't been the case -- I feel terrible. I keep thinking of seeing him in the casket, how his family is feeling, why didn't I get one last chance to talk to him?
I don't have much context for the death of someone that I'm close to, other than my grandma. But I had months to come to terms with that before she passed. Because he died suddenly, from suicide, and so young, I am having a terrible time with it. I don't know how people get over this.
TL;DR: My ex, who I wasn't in contact with, passed away by suicide, and I'm having a hard time processing everything.
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