My wife and I were invited to my best friend's destination wedding 12 months ago. We were excited to have the opportunity to getaway w/o the children for the first time in four years. This was a big deal, because I had benefited from traveling for work and went on a golf trip, all while my wife was home raising our two children (including a pregnancy). She had only a few day trips (NYC, etc.) here and there with friends.
A little history: My mother is a wonderful grandmother, and has flown out to watch my two nieces while my sister and BIL went on a hand full of vacations. My wife and I have only benefited from this once, and that was in 2014. We haven't had many opportunities to travel alone together, either because of my work schedule, her pregnancy, or our budget.
We spoke to my mother and my wife's mother about watching the children in the spring, both of which agreed. Last fall, my mother went as far to say, "Oh, April, I have no plans, so that should be fine." Between my wife and I, we most have spoken to her about it 4-5 different times.
Fast forward to late January, I text my mom to confirm everything is set for April. During that time I left the country, and upon returning, I had not heard back. In late February, she texts me saying she promised my sister she would help with my nieces ballet recital the exact same week as the wedding trip, and that my sister had given her the exact dates before we spoke to her about the wedding. At that moment, my wife and I are dumbfounded.
She claims she never agreed to watch the kids, because she didn't the exact date, and so she went ahead and confirmed to help my sister w/o us even knowing.
Keep in mind, my wife and I gone to 4 sessions of couple's counseling in the fall, and this was about to stress our relationship again. My wife and I were pissed, and my wife took this especially hard because of the opportunity to go on vacation was quickly fading.
I informed my mother that this was extremely disappointing news, and that communication broke down somewhere. Suddenly my mother doesn't "recall" conversations, etc. My wife takes this especially hard, because the two of them are always the one's managing the logistics and planning for family visits, etc. The optics didn't look good either, because my mother, yet again, was going to my sister's versus being there for us in time of need.
We tried finding a nanny, but that was going to be a fortune versus the cost of flying out my mom and MIL to watch the kids. Important note: My MIL is wonderful but not terribly responsible or capable of watching children for extended periods of time (my wife and I share this perspective). Then it became clear that either I would go alone for a shorter trip, or we would just both stay home.
Fast-forward to the last two weeks. I spent 3 days traveling alone to and from the wedding. I stayed in a cheap Airbnb because I couldn't justify spending the money on myself staying and enjoying the resort (the wedding was essentially all couples).
My wife said she told my mother we'd like to go to Italy next year in the spring, and would like my mother's word that she will commit to watching the kids then if she was indeed available. There was one important exception however. My wife told my mother that only then would she get visit our home or see our, and no sooner.
I sat my wife down and asked her since she was basically punishing my mother with such terms, did she believe that the punishment fit the crime?
And then there's me. I am in the middle of this by blood and by marriage. It's a fine line for me to walk while drifting in unchartered waters. My mother did not use proper judgment when she made other plans. My wife feels betrayed and would like an apology, but my mother claims a technical reason for not being at fault. All of which made for an awkward and complex Mother's Day phone call from me last evening...
TLDR: Mother agreed to watch our children so my wife and I could go on vacation for the first time in 4 years alone. Instead, she bailed, claims we didn't give her the exact dates, and she already had plans because my sister had spoken to her before we did. My mother claims it's technically not her fault. My wife told my mother she cannot see the grandchildren until our next planned trip in Spring 2019. My wife won't speak to my mother, and is also angry at me for speaking to my mother about the situation, despite me being on my wife's side.
How do we resolve? I am trying to mediate separately, but my wife doesn't want me to speak to my mother about the issue. I told her this morning we need to go back to our couple's therapist to get some perspective.
Help :(
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