We've been together almost six years, married for nearly 2. She was my first real relationship and has been the only one. When we met we fell for each for hard and fast, and were so compatible in every way and in our plans and in our outlook in life and where we stood in the world and with each other. Both of us were each others' firsts and came from homes where sex and sexuality were never something talked about or acknowledged but we both had positive attitude to sex. We never felt any guilt or shame in being with each other. Although we both agree that we got married too early. We had to keep a big part of our relationship from our families. I guess this is what happens when your culture, your family, and your community look down on dating. But we gelled and made it work.
A couple of weeks ago, I went on a trip abroad with some friends. Wife stayed home. We do things together but we also let each other do our own things. Before I left, things were distant between us. There was little conversation going back and forth, sex was sparse. All signs of a failing relationship and I admit my part in it. We cared of each other but maybe I didn't pay attention to the relationship as a separate entity on it's own. I took my wife for granted. Whilst I was away, she said she did some thinking and realised that she wasn't happy like she used to be early on in our relationship. She felt that there was no spark between us any more, no more passion. In retrospect, I know this is true but I never came to this realisation because I was fighting my own demons and was too consumed in my own head to see it and even pushed friends away. Mentally I had been in a bad place for the past few months and I know things weren't the best but I was blinded to how close to the edge of the cliff our marriage has come.
Over the past month, she made a new friend. I didn't think much of it. I didn't need to. She's an independent person and I don't have hangups about her having friends of the other gender because we both do. She talked to him a lot on Facebook but then again she has always been more active on social media than I have. She never hid this from me. I don't think she knew she would go on to get feelings for him. Something she admitted to when I later found out she had been sending him risque photos - not nudity but not something you would send to just a 'friend'. I forgive her for this. I know you can't help how you feel about people and sometimes the heart wanders and the mind asks the what ifs and what could have beens. And I still want her in my life knowing these things.
I also know that when I was abroad, he was here in the house with her. Just the two of them. She told me as much on the day itself because she did mushrooms, maybe got a bad trip and wanted me to reassure her, but she was open about him being there at all times. This bothered me but I didn't say it.
She has agreed to cut contact with him for a little while. And I know that she has. I know she has betrayed the trust that we have in each other, but I trust her when she says this. She hasn't lied to me about anything in this time.
She admitted to me that she has been feeling sexually disconnected with me because she hasn't been able to find me physically attractive. I don't deny that, I haven't got in better shape since we met. I've not got much worse, but things haven't progressed. And being each others' firsts, neither of us brought any sexual experience into the relationship and things flatlined maybe a couple of years into our relationship.
We have talked. She wishes she met me later in life. I agree - maybe we wouldn't be in this place if both of us had more experience with relationships. She fears missing out on sex whilst being in the prime of her life. I do too because I know I also want things to become passionate again. Maybe things would have been better had we met later.
I have promised to myself that I would start working on myself. Both mentally and physically. Like I said, I'm not in terrible shape, but not at my best either. I should be able to get there in a couple of months.
We are going to seek marriage counselling next week, but even that feels so far away and I don't know if she will be able to hang on till then. I say this because I don't think she has her heart set on mending things, she says wants to work on us and give it another chance. My gut tells me she said that to console me.
I feel that she wants to wash away the life we have built together and our plans for the future we were meant to have together for this little bit of excitement without even as much as wanting to attempt to fix things between us. She has only known him for a month and wants to throw away our nearly six years. I know what anybody reading this would say to me but she is such a rational person. She likes to think things through. This is uncharacteristic of her. She is the most caring person I know, she has endured tragedies in her life but she still helps people.
My one and only thread of hope is that she hasn't left and hasn't said that she will leave. I think she wants me to leave. She asks me why I still want to stay with her even though she feels so confused about us. She said that she wished I got sick of her. But I don't want to leave her. Why would I want all the colour and light and joy of my life gone?
I feel so blindsided. I am so in love with her. Six years. Maybe over time you lose a little bit of it, but I don't think I did; I still love her with every last fibre of my being. I feel so, so lost and devastated. Every moment is torturing me with the possibility that we might not spend our lives with each other.
I don't remember the last time I cried but now I can't stop crying. I don't want to talk to anyone because I loathe the idea of complaining about her to someone else. My heart feels so heavy.
Please tell me there is hope. Please.
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TL;DR Wife made a new friend and got too close to him. She's only known him for a month. She says that we have lost the connection we had. She wants me to leave but I am still desperately in love and clinging on.
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