[TL;DR - I'm a broke law student whose GF began hanging out with a male coworker under "platonic" pretenses. After noticing her increased secrecy regarding her phone, I snooped and found weeks' worth of sexual text messages exchanged between them. She blames her lack of self-esteem as the reason she got caught up in this mess, as she is "not used to men showing interest" in her. I am in psychological ruins right now, and the image I had built of her over the past 7 years has crumbled down.]
Hi everyone. My life turned upside down last night and I don't know where to turn. I don't know if I'm looking for advice or just a forum to rant. I'm new to Reddit, so please forgive any formatting or organizational errors in this post (tips on how to make Reddit posts would be appreciated!). Anyway, here goes...
A little back story: we met in high school, became best friends, and officially began dating midway through first-year of university (2011). Up until yesterday, I still considered her my best friend and I fully envisioned a future with her (marriage, kids, etc.). Also relevant: I was her first (and to my knowledge, only), while I had previously been with 4 other women.
More back story: after graduation, we both did our Masters, after which she found a permanent, secure government job. I was accepted into law school, and just finished my 1L year. Insofar as this detail is relevant, I guess it is worth mentioning that I'm a 26yo man who is still in school, while 97% of my age cohort are employed full-time, and well on their way to building a family (buying homes, cars, getting married, having kids, etc.).
A few weeks ago, while studying for finals, my GF texted me asking if it was okay to go for coffee with a male coworker. Apparently he had questions about car parts that my GF had installed in her new car. I thought this was weird, since any inquiries he may have could be sufficiently dealt with via Google or a simple text chat with her. Despite this, and since I'm not the controlling type of BF, I said I trusted her implicitly, but as an aside, mentioned that this guy probably has an ulterior motive. She insisted that it was 100% platonic, and at any rate, she was not interested in him so it was a moot point. Fair enough, I thought.
Fast forward a week. I visited her place during my study break. This was when I first noticed that she was suddenly much more attached to her phone. Prior to this, we treated our phones as our mutual property (I.e., we both had full access to each other's phones because we had nothing to hide). However, it was around this time that she would start to take her phone with her when she went to the bathroom, which literally never happened previously. So obviously this got my mind wondering.
I put these thoughts on the backburner because I was in the middle of law school exam season and had zero mental capacity for anything not related to law.
Fast forward to last night. I was a week and a half removed from my last exam, and was looking forward to a relaxing week or so before starting my summer placements (also at the law school). Consistent with her behaviour over the past few weeks, my GF had her phone in her hands or in her pocket the entire time I was over, except for a fateful two minute window during which her sister yelled for her from downstairs to help with some chore. So she left her bedroom, leaving her phone.
Now I know I will get some flak for snooping and invading her privacy. I'm ready to carry whatever moral baggage that brings. But I believe it pales in comparison to what she did to me. I don't believe the explicit details are relevant, but suffice it to say that the conversations she had with this guy over the span of a few weeks were sexual in nature, and definitely not "platonic", as she had assured me earlier.
I confronted her. She began to cry. Her response to my "why?" was an unsatisfactory "I don't know". After more prodding, I learn that this entire ordeal stems from her insecurity and lack of self-esteem. She tells me that she has never gotten attention from men other than me, and she got caught up in it (as a side note, I think that is bullshit because she is an objectively attractive woman). She says the attention he paid her caused her to develop a crush on him (another side note: it is pretty devastating to hear that the love of your life has a crush on another man), and she enjoyed having flirty conversations with him, although she never intended to advance it to a physical stage. Of course, I now have my doubts about all of that.
She has since offered to cut communications with him (which is difficult, considering they work together), or in the alternative, look for another job. This second option I believe is pretty drastic, and I think she offered that merely to show how serious she was about regaining my trust. I don't think she actually would look for another job, nor do I want her to (especially not in the modern job market).
I have suffered from low self-esteem since childhood. I'm shorter than average (5'8"), suffer from psoriasis and arthritis, and am in the early stages of male-pattern baldness. Despite this, I've gotten enough female attention to know I'm not "ugly". However, since last night, I feel like a literal piece of garbage, unworthy of happiness and incapable of making a woman happy enough to not stray into the (digital) arms of another man.
I also have been plagued by the knowledge that I am her only sexual experience, and maybe she did what she did out of curiousity/FOMO. I don't know how to proceed in this regard. I am monogamously inclined, and have no interest in opening a relationship to allow her to experiment. If that is what she wants, then I'd rather be single. But, alas, she has tried to reassure me that she has no sexual feelings for this guy. Hard for me to believe at this moment though.
Anyway, there is my story. I know it is super long and disjointed, but that is reflective of my current psychological state. I do not know how to proceed with my relationship, nor how to repair my tattered self-confidence. And also, I am uncertain how to address my GF's insecurity and lack of self-esteem. Am I to be worried that she will melt in the arms of any man who gives her the slightest bit of attention?
I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read and/or comment.
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