I've been seeing Mark for about 9 months now. We have a really great time together and for the most part have been very communicative about our issues. I've always felt like he's been receptive and fair to me when I bring up anything that makes me feel uncomfortable, and I want to make things work with him.
Recently, I've felt devalued and de-prioritized because it seems like he only spends time with me if it's convenient for him. When we hang out, we make plans last minute, and we rarely set aside time a week or even a couple days in advance. However, I am aware of the way he makes plans with other people, and I see him scheduling things up to a week in advance, so it makes me feel like I'm not important enough for him to clear that part of his schedule before something else comes up.
Up until recently, I'd make fewer plans for myself throughout the week in order to make sure that I have enough free time to be available when he is. However, I've recently made a change in my career... whereas before, I could reliably see him multiple times a week without clearing out large chunks of my schedule, now if I want to balance work with my social life, I have to schedule things with people in advance if I expect to see them at all. I work 9-6pm, which isn't too bad, but I have multiple evening events after work (1-2 per week), where I'm tied up until at least 8:30-9pm and sometimes 11-12pm.
My concern is that if we continue to make plans the way that we do, we won't really be able to spent a lot of quality time together. I realize that part of this issue is that I can be more high-contact in relationships. My ideal scenario would be to see my SO 3-4 times a week. But I can also compromise such that I only see him 1-2 times a week if we're both present and actively enjoying each other's company. To be fair to him, we've been able to spend a lot of time together under the previous arrangement. In the past week, we slept together 6 out of 7 nights and mostly planned for those last-minute. However, because of my new work schedule, on most of those nights he wasn't able to come over until 11 or 12 and then I needed to be asleep within an hour or so in order to wake up for work.
When I brought up this issue with him, he explained that, for him, the people he values the most are the ones with whom he can expect to spend a lot of spontaneous, meaningful time together. My guess is that those are the people who he can depend on to reach out at any time, without having to take the additional formal step of scheduling a time, date, and thing. We decided that we would trying having a standing date night on one weekday every week, and then do something every other weekend. However, something about this arrangement still feels unsatisfying to me... it seems like a way to brush off my concerns with little effort to demonstrate how I'm a priority to him. Granted, we only just arrived at this solution recently, so I haven't exactly been able to see it in action yet.
My question is, am I being unreasonable? (Btw, I'm totally receptive to being told that I'm not giving him enough credit, or that I'm not being flexible enough). This seems like a relatively small issue that can be overcome, but I've been really hung up on it recently and would love some third-party perspective. Also, could this just be a compatibility issue, where we both care about each other but express it in different ways?
**TL;DR**: My SO mostly plans time with me last-minute, and it makes me feel like I'm not important to him. Am I high-maintenance or is this a compatibility issue?
[link] [comments]
from Relationships https://ift.tt/2rYpCkJ
No comments:
Post a Comment