This is long, sorry.
As a backstory, I met Jane four years ago. We had both just ended long term relationships and were starting over. We had a ton in common, and she was bright, talented, funny, and always up for adventure.
We got close really quickly and spent a lot of time together. So much laughter and warmth and fun. She was there for me through some really tough times and made me feel appreciated and loved. We started a writing project together that we won an award for and is still in progress. About six months after we met she started dating Max. I actually came along on their second date along with a few of his friends and I hit it off with Max and his friends just as much as with Jane.
A small group of us became de facto family, to the point that about a year and a half later Max and I became roommates with another friend, and Jane lived in the apartment below us.
Things were great for awhile, and then they got bad. Jane always liked to drink, but living in such close quarters exposed how problematic her drinking was. Jane didn’t know her limits and she had a habit of getting antagonistic when drunk, starting dumb arguments with whoever happened to be around. Max broke up with her (a big reason was her drinking) when there was still 5 months left on the lease which made things very tense and her drinking only got worse. I tried to talk to her a few times about it but she was defensive and dismissed my concerns.
I ended up just pulling away from her. Spent a lot less time with her and more time on my own. It was awkward because I was still good friends and roommates with Max, and I know she felt very alone but I didn’t know what I could do except try not to flaunt when Max and I spent time and had fun together. When the lease was up we all went our separate ways.
I still spent time with her when I could handle it cause I still cared about her, but after she showed up at my new place for a game night blackout drunk, I wrote her a letter about her drinking and told her I needed to step back from our friendship. She accepted that, although she was hurt.
She stopped drinking and started therapy about a year ago. Over the last few months I have tentatively spent some time with her to see if we could salvage a friendship. We’ve been writing together again which is great and once in awhile do a fun non-drinking activity together. It’s been nice having my friend back.
So last night I ran into a friend of mine who also knows Jane. She told me that a good friend of hers is dating Jane’s ex from four years ago. She said Jane was physically abusive to him.
I don’t usually immediately believe unsubstantiated information. Jane had told me her relationship ended because her ex had been cheating on her for months, gave her an STI, and moved his mistress into their place the day she moved out. I had not reason to doubt her but now I believe there could be more to that story.
You see, about a month ago, Max told me the final straw with his relationship with Jane was when she punched him in the face while drunk, splitting his lip. He said he didn’t tell me at the time because he didn’t want to kill my friendship with her too.
I actually remember him having a split lip and asking about it and him not really answering.
So I believe it’s possible she abused her first ex too.
I feel so conflicted. I know she is actively seeking help and isn’t drinking, but it makes me look at her differently, knowing this was a pattern and not a one-off.
We are supposed to get together to write next week. I don’t know, I feel like if Jane was a man and I found out he beat up his ex girlfriends I would probably just end the friendship. But maybe since she’s getting help then I should not write her off?
I’m not sure how to handle this. Advice is appreciated.
TLDR: Found out my once best friend was physically abusive to multiple partners, don’t know what to do.
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