Lately I have realized what a terrible person I am. I am completely worthless in every respect.
I'm not an attractive person. I'm nearing my mid-thirties now and I'm just decaying into irrelevance. I have wrinkles under my eyes, have a poor skin complexion, have terrible hair no matter how much I pay for a stylist, never can keep up with styles in clothing. Most of my best friends look fantastic all of the time, I just feel like an inbred mutant when I can't keep up with people who continually look like supermodels.
I'm not a worthwhile person. I would like to think I have a tremendous heart for those close to me and would do anything for them, but lately I've realized I have no empathy or compassion for anyone else. I try to donate to charitable causes, but I overall have no feelings whatsoever for the challenges or suffering of others. I'm just absolutely numb to all of it. I wish I could feel, but I don't.
I'm not an investable person. I have an okay career, an okay house, and don't really have to worry about money too much, but I really have no direction. I've long given up on having any control over my career trajectory, as it's been evidenced to me that other people with more political power will always be able to assert their will over me. I'm tired of even trying in that respect and just go with it. I wish I could do more, do something I could be more proud of, or have some direction in life, but I'm cognizant enough to know that my efforts would ultimately be pointless.
I'm just tired of it. I have no control over my life, am not a person worth anyone's time, and just hate myself. I don't know what to do.
I've seen so many therapists, psychologists, and other types of professionals over the years. I've taken different types of medications over the years. All to no avail. I have just accepted the fact that whatever it is keeps dragging me down is beyond my control.
Beyond that, what can I do? I want a reason to live, but I often have none.
TL;DR: I hate myself and wish I didn't. What can I do to not hate myself and my life?
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