tl;dr: I suspect my wife is cheating on me. She denies it, refuses to go to counselling because it's my problem..
NOTE: I'm reposting this here because the rules say I cannot link to another sub. Additional information to follow. Your advice is appreciated.
My wife has this friend. He's a former colleague. Left her company about 5years ago, but she's kept in regular touch. She deals with the company he works for regularly. Once a year she'd travel to the capital to meet with some clients. She'd inevitabley meet with this guy, business related or not. I don't really have a problem with that.
The past couple of years my wife and another much older female colleague have had to travel a significant distance once a year. This year my wife is telling me their plans. They want to take time off over there. It's more than half way around the world, so of course they should! It would be madness not to. So they book 5 days on a tropical island after the business trip. All good. A few weeks later my wife just casually drops into the conversation that this guy is going. He wants to meet with the company owner to discuss business. I'm immediately upset, but try not to show it. I have anxiety problems, sometimes things like this hit me hard. So I bottle it up until I can figure out if it's a real problem or not. I think this is a problem. So it turns out that this guy has organised a trip with multiple destinations. He meets my wife and colleague there, they have dinner with the owner. Then my wife and her two colleagues spend 5 nights together.
The older colleague is in her 60s, and not up to much. But I did get to enjoy photos of my wife and this guy (and occasionally the woman) slamming shots of tequila on Instagram stories in the middle of the night.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago. My wife says he has lost his job and is going to his parents in another country for a while. She has a trip to the capital two weeks later. She also wants to go to this gig. She's obsessed about it. I tell her to go, she should enjoy it. I tell her to invite a friend she's meeting up there. She says no she'd rather go alone. The day she comes home she tells me the guy went with her. I thought was in another country? No, he's back this week, he flying out again in a couple of days. She the proceeded to show me photos of the gig, and this guy, that she'd sent to her work colleague. Am I being ridiculous here? I don't think so. I need to confront her for my own mental health. What should I do?
UPDATE after talking to her:
Well that probably couldn't have gone worse. I brought up my concerns and she just laughed them off. I asked her did she not see my concerns, she said I was being ridiculous. I told her that it didn't seem that ridiculous to me, that she doesn't show me any affection at all. Ever. We have a pretty good sex life but there is no affection. She never hugs, kisses or anything like that. Any time I try i get a feigned response. She said I knew that's how it was when I married her. Which is kind of true, but there is absolutely no effort on her part at all these days. I asked her how come she can show sympathy for her friend who is off work with stress but I just have to "cop on" and handle it. Apparently that's because I'm not doing anything to fix it.
I said that I wanted us to go to a relationship Councillor, her response was "no, why would I, this is your fucking problem not mine". I insisted that I thought we needed it, and even if it is my problem I'd need her support there. It was a hard no. She asked why didn't I bring it up sooner, I replied because I couldn't tell if my concerns were real or not. My anxiety gets really bad sometimes, I haven't fully recovered from when I crashed. At that point I actually broke down crying like a baby and there was this flood of thoughts and feelings about how I needed more affection and why this situation with that guy was a big problem for me. When I finished and looked up at her she was on her fucking phone. I asked her who she was texting, she said she wasn't, that she was looking at baby pictures on Instagram.
I think that was a tipping point for me. I told her that we needed to go to relationship counselling or we're done. We then both sat there, for nearly 2 hours. Not a word said. Eventually she takes a blanket off the sofa an throws it over herself and kind of settles in. I say goodnight and go to bed. Of course I'm not sleeping. About an hour later she comes into the room, gets into bed and tells me she has some bad news, she thinks she has cirvical cancer. I asked her why, she said she's been bleeding heavily for the past couple of months. She never thought to mention it though. I'm distraught. I don't believe her. This morning i was up early. She beckoned me back to bed to talk. I couldn't do it. I told her we'd talk over the weekend. Then she got really angry and started stomping around the house getting ready for work, slamming doors. She then made snarky remarks about getting up early and how were just sitting around waiting now. I told her I didn't ask her to get up.
I'm in work now. I don't know what to do. But I think I'm serious, if she won't go to relationship counselling I think were done
==============.
So last Friday she went to the doctor. We were both working from home. When she came home I asked her how it went, yer response was "uuh... The stupid shops didn't have any milk." We were both working from home, so I left it for then. The weekend went by, and she has been nicer to me, but there was no more mention anything discussed previously. I think she's expecting it'll just blow over. But it can't I'm not me right now. I'm not the guy who's checking on his wife the whole time, wondering who she's out with. I'm not the guy who snoops at her phone or email - that's not me. But I'm worried I'll become that guy. It's not worth it. I have to trust my gut this time. There's too much not right here. I'm going to bring it up again tonight or tomorrow.
I'm not being unreasonable am I?
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