I can't even begin to understand how to handle this. No one but me is to blame, I've been in denial for so long.
TL;DR I've long been unhappy, possibly never was, and I'm realizing I need to fix this regardless of how painful it will be because I deserve to be happy, my kids deserve a happy dad in their lives, and my wife deserves to not be placated.
I don't love her anymore, and I don't believe I ever did. We met in high school and I think it's obvious in hindsight that I felt like I would never be worthy of anyone I was truly attracted to, emotionally and physically, and I "settled". Carelessness led to our first child and years later we had a second.
I tried so hard. I could say a lot about the last fifteen years but all I want to focus on is how I feel now.
We're just not compatible.
We have nothing to talk about. I read the news and keep myself up to date, I try my best to understand the world around me. She never reads the news, she never seeks out topics outside of her primary interest. Every conversation is one-way because I have to explain current events or because she just has no foundation to discuss things with me. I can hold conversations with my parents, she can't unless it's about her work or our kids.
We listen to music differently. Listening to music is its own activity in my mind. It's always been important to me. I have a wide variety and can explain why I love some so much. Music is just a passive activity to her.
I constantly read news (nytimes, wapo, local stuff), I read reddit, she reads romance novels and facebook groups. We don't read the same sources and can never talk about stuff. I'm not interested in what she could share, and vice versa.
I enjoy video games. I play a very wide variety, and I enjoy sharing different games with my kids. I've tried to find games she'd like to play with me but she's just never interested. I can't even get her into modern day games that exemplify what she loved most about older ones.
She enjoys animals. She works part-time at a vet, she's always insisted we have dogs and cats and I unfortunately have allowed her to walk all over me with others. We have fish tanks, my "kids" have a gecko and rats, etc. I don't mind her having a hobby, but it's been a major problem financially.
She and I handle money differently. In fact it's one of the biggest problems between us. In the past, she's spent $25k in a single year on pet stuff and after I blew up about it she vowed to stop, but even maintaining those pets is costing us $5k/year. She never pays attention to what she spends and we constantly fight about it. I earn vastly more than her, I spend vastly less than her on things I want, we've agreed on budgets, but she expects a personal budget in addition to pet stuff and she's made it extremely hard to save and be financially secure.
I don't feel like she has a realistic view of the world. She was never with other people before me, though I hardly was either, she never masturbated as a teen, so she has this warped concept of what a trusting, sexual relationship should be. She expects me to 100% initiate and we've had long talks about this stuff but she still never will.
I've never cheated nor given her any reason to suspect I would, but I learned long ago to hide the fact that I'm capable of finding anyone attractive. Even celebs. She claims she doesn't think anyone is attractive but me but I want a relationship where my partner is capable of admitting that (insert hunky male movie star here) is hot.
I'm at a point now where I'm starting to realize that I'm not happy. I don't feel like I'm being the best version of me that I want to be and part of that is because I'm so unhappy.
I've been in denial for so long because I don't want this to affect/hurt my kids and our families, but in looking at my future I'm regretting where we are. My kids deserve a happy father even if that means we have to go through this painful thing first.
I need my kids to know that I need to still be in their lives. In fact I recognize that my unhappiness is affecting how I act around them and they deserve better.
I also worry about what life would be like after. My wife clearly can't handle finances, even if I helped her financially I'm scared that she'd become a burden. It's complicated further by the fact that we live in a house rented from my parents. She wouldn't want to stay but she wouldn't want to leave the kids.
I just don't know what to do. The more I think about my life the more I realize this is what I want. I want someone I truly care about, not just someone I tolerate. Maybe there isn't someone out there, but I can't be miserable like this until I die.
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