(reposted bc I forgot the TLDR initially)
TLDR: BF and I moved away together. Have since found out BF was never financially independent. BF does not take care of his deteriorating heath. Works too much for too little. Still hasn't finished school. Spends money on fast-food and $300 warhammer kits. Wants me to live in his mother's house instead of finding our own place
We worked together in food for about a year before getting together. We have been dating ~2 years.
When we got together in July/August 2016 I had finished my Bachelor's and was working full-time in my field. Bf told me he would be finished with his Bachelor's at the end of the fall semester, except for maybe one more class. We knew neither of us wanted to live in StateA, and I was really interested in moving to StateB. He has family in StateB and actually lived there for a short time, and he was 100% on-board with moving there after he finished his degree. (I know it's a terrible idea move away with someone after a short time. I had my own money, car, savings, etc. I had zero intention of staying in StateA. My plan had always been to get experience under my belt and then leave without looking back.) So it was decided we would move once he finished his degree.
At the start of the next semester (spring 2017) he tells me he has a full schedule but will be done at the end of the spring. So he didn't have only "one more class" but 5. Spring ends, but wait! He needs one more class over summer. Summer comes and goes and...you guessed it. Not done yet. Just one more semester. Still. A year later. One more class. Now I should say BF has close to a 4.0 and an excellent relationship with the professors. He cannot give any project less than 110%. Perfectionism is his flaw, as well as mine.
Unfortunately though I had already quit my job (after 2 promotions in 4 months - was a doozy) and was back to working in restaurants where I could realistically save up more cash in the (presumably short) time before we moved. I quit my job because he was 'almost done' so we would be moving soon. Except now I was at 6 months post-leaving job in my field. The longer I stayed out of it the harder it would be to get back in. How many more years would he have "one more class"? So I told him I was moving to StateB and was not going to wait around wasting my potential in a state I hated because he couldn't get his academics together.
Naturally he flew for a visit to StateB and landed a job that gave him a one year grace period to finish his BA. He agreed to take it because he has bad heath issues and would have insurance day one. With fewer than 5 days before his first day, we packed everything and left on a 30 hour drive. We got there and the plan was to stay with his mom 3 months max. We had not lived together before this. At 3 months I moved out. Found a roommate because with the stress and struggles his family was going through, his mom asked and he agreed to stay in the house. He called me selfish and accused me of "ditching him" when I moved out. I laughed, then got mad. I do not need to light myself on fire to keep his mother and the rotating door of family members warm. I moved out of my parents' at 17 because of home issues. I was not interested in submitting myself to the same environment. Drugs, abuse, child endangerment, substance abuse on top of substance abuse on top of substance abuse. Constant yelling. Petty narcissism. His mom's determination to control everything because she is unraveled. No. Just, no.
So now we've lived in StateB for about 10 months. I am working in my field and making good money, but struggling to make friends. BF is in a vocation that pays roughly nothing (so it seems), but will forgive his student loans if he keeps at it for 5 years. He works way too much and has heath issues (maybe Crohns or celiac or IBS, who know. He's in pain a lot). So he is never available and when he is, he's exhausted, in pain, or in the bathroom. I had to play mommy one day and leave work so I could call around for him to find an available doctor, then drive BF there. Because 8 months after moving last minute specifically so he could have insurance to get himself looked at, he had done nothing for his health but smoking a pack a day and go to his parents' doctor-friend to request a script for Adderall ("I have ADHD. I'm not abusing or snorting it anymore" he says, because he abused it a lot while in school full-time). So he was willing to make and follow through on appointments to get his fix, but not to fix his health...
I found out after we moved that I'd made some wrong assumptions. I had assumed he was paying for things like rent, his car, phone, etc. Nope, his mom pays for all of that. Because while in school he was living in a house his mom owed, he would collect the rent but not pay any. And he would keep the 'extra' money to supplement his part-time work. His car is not his, it's him mom's. He does not contribute to insurance. He is on a family cell plan he does not contribute to. He says the rent he collects is his contribution. Should I have not have assumed a 27 y/o man was responsible for his own bills? Guess so.
We had a 'break' a few months back. I needed time apart from him and his controlling addict family. The break did not last too long, but I put boundaries in place for myself that I shared with him:
- I would not be in a relationship with someone so negligent of themselves - he would need to take care of his health.
- I would not be his mother, he is not a child. He needed to learn how to grocery shop for more than himself and buy more than junk food. He needed to contribute way more to household chores and meals (homeboy doesn't clean or cook but will 'help' if given specific tasks that he will 'try' to do between cigs every 10 minutes. I wish I was exaggerating). I told him I would not be in a relationship with someone unable to contribute equally to a partnership.
- His mother was not to ask me anymore questions about his dick size. Yes, really.
- I would not be around adults yelling unnecessarily the way they do at children.
- I would not be around petty or passive aggressive adults.
- I would not be involved with an addict. He is to follow his scripts. No more, no less. (his prescription has 'wiggle' room of 5mg/day)
- He will finish his degree and save up to move out by end of summer (I make more and thus would pay a larger share.)
But now...I don't know if it's even worth it. He keeps missing work because of health. I hate myself for it, but I feel like he's being a baby a lot of the time. His heath is not improving but maybe it would if he smoked less and stopped eating so much freaking fast food (that he can't afford!!) and maybe exercised once in a blue moon. He hates his job but will do it 4 more years because of the student loan payoff (I worked like crazy to pay my way through school and have my loans all paid off. I have $0 debt.)
I'm sorry this is half-rambling. I could use some advise. I can't talk to my family, they're not helpful (my mom is still mad at him for flaking on my birthday dinner after he swore that morning he'd be there, and then promising to make it up to me and then doing nothing. Nada. Zilch. Not even a cake or homemade card.)
I just don't know. I feel like I've demanded so much from him that it would not be fair to leave him now when he has not really had time to make these adjustments. I am aware changes don't happen overnight, but what is reasonable? Can I tell him he needs to leave the vocation he loves to work a job with more reasonable demands, fewer hours, and more pay? I think he is used to being a top performer and getting special treatment. Any other job would likely have fired him for missing so much work. He is amazing at what he does but 60+ hours a week most weeks is unreasonable for <$32k a year. This is worsened by his procrastination. BF does nothing for a few days then stays up for days working. His family is all like this.
BF still thinks the best thing for me to do is to move into his mom's house with like 10 other people and 5 dogs to save money.
Just, ugh, help please. Do I give him more time, more support? Do I cut my losses and walk?
TLDR: BF and I moved away together. Have since found out BF was never financially independent. BF does not take care of his deteriorating heath. Works too much for too little. Spends money on fast-food and $300 warhammer kits. Wants me to live in his mother's house instead of finding our own place
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