Hi guys, long time lurker first time poster. Bit of a pickle.
I’ve been seeing this girl for nearly exactly a year now – there was a period of time, two months after we met, when she went on exchange to another country for four months. When she was in the same city as me after first meeting, we’d go on weekly dates and spent a lot of time just… I absolutely fell in love with her. She fell in love with me. However, we made sure to not identify anything as ‘exclusive’; we thought it best to not complicate something into a LDR after only knowing each other for two months and decided that conclusively in person. At some point in her time overseas on exchange, maybe even after the first month and a half, we began to be very close. Sexting, lots of phrases that were the equivalent of ‘I love you’ that we both didn’t want to say until we were in person. She became close to one guy who attempted to kiss her in her first week there; she declined, told her friends about me multiple times, and told this guy in no unspecific terms nothing was ever going to happen between them. He took up classes with her that he subsequently dropped mysteriously, he always made a reason to be near her. Eventually things faded and he disappeared from her life. At some point while she was there, we decided to be exclusive to each other. I don’t remember when it was and neither does she. We both agreed over exclusivity over skype so there’s absolutely no way we could find a record of it anywhere. She returned home, we went back to our old routine, everything was pretty good. Things could always improve, though.
She had communication issues; she felt she didn’t want to tell me everything all the time because she might accidentally open up about a particular situation and eventually realised in order to overcome that she had to be upfront and just say it: I’ve now found out she had sex with this guy. They were both incredibly drunk (which is never an excuse, not even a factor in my thoughts), she was half asleep on his couch and he kissed her and she kissed back and it led from there. I’m not here to discuss anything related to that situation, but more how it relates to me: how would you feel not knowing if it was before the exclusivity talk? What’s my next step here? Is it cheating if she feels it’s cheating? If it is, is this particular type of infidelity forgivable?
There’s a three year age gap between us; I’ve been young before and done nearly the exact same thing to someone else before, and not only do I still consider the person I did it with a decent person I consider myself a decent person as well. I also know this girl I’ve been dating is a decent person as well – I completely believe that this is a one-off thing, however is it right for me to be up in arms about something I’ve done once that I understand is a one-off thing? As a person, she is absolutely not about one night stands. Has had numerous opportunities and declined every single one because it’s not her style and she doesn’t feel she benefits anything from them.
Tl:dr; was seeing a girl for two months as FWB, she was on exchange, the conversation we had about exclusivity is unfindable because it was over skype, she slept with someone else and only mentioned it to me now – not sure how to proceed as I am unsure how I feel.
Work your magic, r/relationships. I’m all for any and all perspectives.
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