So I'm going through a tough patch in life right now for the past 6 months or so, I am getting a lot of support from college, friends and family, and have been fine for a month, but the past few days have been a big set back in my progress. I think it's been set off with exam stress. Today I also got news that my grandmother is seriously ill so I am all over the place. I'm sorry if this is a little incoherent. Sorry this is so long too.
To preface, I am trying to deal with very personal and difficult recent circumstances. I have been going to 2 different counselors and have had to take some time off college (which they have been very understanding and supportive of, which I am very grateful for). I thought I was doing well keeping everything together and getting on with life, but the past few days I've started to experience flashbacks and had a few minor panic attacks which I'm trying to learn how to deal with. I decided (maybe stupidly) to try and sit all my exams despite having the option to reduce my workload.
I have been seeing my boyfriend for a few years, and he has always been supportive and sweet and kind and calm. To defend him here a little bit, he has never acted like this before. I'm honestly shocked at this whole situation and confused. My boyfriend rang me yesterday, the day before an important exam, and I guess I was being quiet/short/overly sensitive. He got mad at me and asked me "what the fuck was wrong" with me. I had been up all night the night before, I am emotionally exhausted and not all present in the conversation, and I began to cry. He didn't say anything and I said I can't talk right now and hung up. He sent me a pretty snarky message about how he was right and he didn't understand why I reacted the way I did etc. I took some time to calm down and told him it wasn't about that. I have been going through a hard time and I need him to just be supportive. I understand that it's not easy to deal with someone who is going through a recent trauma and I understand it's hard on him, but he can't lash out at me when everything is so sensitive right now. He didn't take to well to this and we had an argument over text. Which I ended with explaining to him I am not capable of any arguments right now and I just need to study. I spent 9 hours at the library just because I didn't want to reply to his messages/argue anymore.
When I got home he seemed to be genuinely remorseful about the whole argument and promised me he would be there to support me. It was all good and I was feeling better, but later that night but thinking that things had calmed down and thought it was an opportunity to talk through this issue, I tried telling him that I'm going through a lot of stress right now and would he please be a little more patient and understanding of my circumstances. He started complaining about how difficult what happened to me has been on him, that he's sick of me. I got defensive at first, I will admit. I find it hard to open up. I told him he was being cruel and insensitive, and that I have much bigger things to be worrying about than this. He began to rant about how he is also doing exams and how shit me being upset made him feel. I don't mean to make him feel like this, but I have been trying my best to handle things well and keep everything to myself/my counselors. I can't just magically go back to normal, I need some time. He shouted at me/cursed at me/ranted at me. I hit breakdown point and began crying hysterically, I told him everything- about having flashbacks, about my nightmares, my lack of sleep, exam pressure etc.
His response: He said "I don't give a fucking shit that you're crying, I don't give a shit about any of this. I'm so sick of you acting like this". He then began to laugh while I cried and called me a joke.
I began to have a pretty sever panic attack. He started rambling, jumping from being apologetic to telling me that he doesn't care and that he's sick of me. All the while he tone sounded cold and robotic, and made me feel so much worse. I forgave him and said I just need him to try to be understanding of why I'm not myself lately, and that I'm trying my best to keep it together, but I can't always handle it how he thinks I should. I can't always be happy and strong and bubbly and sweet, I need some time to heal. The conversation ended, but I didn't sleep at all that night, went to my exam at 7.30am. When I got home I got a call from my mom telling me my grandmother was in hospital and that she's really ill. that the doctor said he should come to visit her within the next few days. My boyfriend sent me a message saying that my mom had told him the news and that he would be there to support me. I was apprehensive about it because of the night before. My mom however had told me on the phone that she had contacted him first because she couldn't get hold of me, and that he seemed very upset for me and said he wanted to be here to support me (obviously my mom didn't know about our argument the night before).
Well he rang me and started talking about something else. I told him that I'm not really in the mood to talk about that, that I was upset because of my grandmother. He got snappy again and began to rant how "nothing he ever does it good enough", and that he doesn't feel bad about laughing at me having a panic attack/crying because I pissed him off, and pushed him to it. That he could have handled himself better but that it was essentially my fault. My grandmother is dying in hospital, I'm in tears and all he cares about is how annoying and inconvenient my stress is for him.
I just hung up and haven't said anything to him since. he send me another snarky message saying he was going to get food but to cal him later. I don't want to talk. I want to be on my own. I am not able to handle this right now.
I don't understand where all this has come from. Our relationship has been good. I have tried to figure out. He is a sweet person. I understand if the stress of me not being myself for a while is hard on him, and I feel guilty about that. I understand why it's stressful. But I am doing my best and trying to juggle everything. I feel so small and alone and hurt. I am not in the position to handle this right now. I don't know if I should break things off or give him time to come around. He doesn't seem to be coming around, he has become more and more hostile over the past week to the point where I am scared to open his messages or take his calls or see him and get chest pains. Am I totally in the wrong here? Am I just a joke and deserve that kind of reaction?
tl;dr: boyfriend who has always been sweet laughed at me while I cried/had a panic attack over a traumatic event that happened to me. I feel really confused, alone and small. I want to break things off but I feel he deserves a chance to redeem himself as he has always been kind in the past.
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