Hi Reddit, I am still very shaken so forgive me for any typos. Also I really appreciate each and every opinion and suggestion. Please help me. Me and my boyfriend just celebrated our first anniversary. Things haven't all been smooth but we love each other a lot. He is in city X (for work) and I am in city Y (for work) for about two months now. It's a 10+ hours of flight to see each other, along with an expensive ticket. He made it a point to come see me asap and he came last week for the anniversary and he is staying for couple of weeks. He is also planning to move closer to where I work in Europe, partly for me but mainly because that's where his home is, and he never planned to stay in city X for more than couple of years.
I couldn't be more happy about his visit. I have been looking forward to it. However I noticed some things in his behavior. He gets annoyed with me really fast. Like we were taking a stroll in the city and I saw a public toilet and I asked him to wait while I use the loo, and he replied in an annoyed tone. I didn't understand why. We were getting snacks later and we sat on this particular table which was in a sunny and windy location and I asked him if we could switch to a less windy location (less than 20 ft away) and he responded "sure love, we will do what you want" in a really really annoyed tone. By now, I was walking on eggshells. I later lightly asked him if I am annoying cause he's been very annoyed lately and i told him the instances. He said he had been annoyed but very unnecessarily and that it has nothing to do with me. But even after that he didn't stop.
Fast forward to yesterday, we were doing a grocery trip to the nearby shop and walking back and he starts humming this song and then proceeds to tell him how this was the song he danced with Clara (let's say) first and fell in love with her. She also lives in city X.
(Some background for Clara: She is a cousin's cousin, so not family in a traditional sense but extended family. When they were about 14 and met on a family get together, they had a crush on each other and because they were in different countries, they started staying in touch through hours long conversations and all that. But they grew up and drifted apart and nothing ever happened there. Later in 2014 or something, Clara also had a fling with my boyfriend's cousin. Now she's in relationship with this guy (who I don't know much about except that my boyfriend doesn't know what Clara sees in him). I have only met her once very briefly at a party. She is beautiful and comes from a very privileged background (as my boyfriend's entire family). After that brief encounter she added me on her insta so I keep seeing what she's upto. Boyfriend said that it was teenage love and there is nothing there so I never worried about it.)
Cut to yesterday: so boyfriend says he danced with Clara and fell in love with her. I was a bit confused as to what am I supposed to say here so I just said ah yeah, you are gonna make a move on her as soon as she's single. Boyfriend says, "I will always be in love with her", I don't even know what to say to that, I try to play it off and say "why are you with me then?" he responds, "Cause I love you more." that was that. I didn't say anything after that.
Later in the night he asked me what's up with me and I bring it up and he says he was only kidding and I am making a big deal out of nothing. He says "She is very important to me and I care a lot about her but that's it." I ask him if he has any feelings for her and he says he doesn't but then he proceeds to tell me that, he likes her a lot but he can't spend time with her cause there's all this tension. I ask him multiple times what kind of tension, he says sexual, emotional, all kinds. I don't even know what to say at this point, I say "all of that? sounds like you have feelings for her but admitting that ruins your idea of what kind of a person you are, so you are in denial". He says they don't even talk that much. Only through Insta stories like twice a month and even then it's dry conversation, if I want he can show me. First I said no need to show me but then he keeps speaking about how he doesn't communicate with her in any inappropriate way so there's nothing, so I say okay show me.
The last text she sent him was a heart. He says 'she sent it not me'. As we scroll up it's all hearts and kisses and him saying "I miss you Clara, We need to meet soon", her saying "I will text you as soon as I am back in town" and her saying " I miss you" and him saying "then see me" and "haven't seen your face in a long time" and him sending hearts and what not. I stop reading at this point I am so disappointed. [However that was as "inappropriate" as it was]. I just tell him I need to sleep I have work tomorrow. I know he wouldn't cheat on me but to me, it feels like him sending flirty text only means one thing that he is saying basically "Clara, no matter who I am with, you will always be the one above any girl in my life".
He then says it didn't mean anything. He only responded with the "always be in love" phrase because I annoyed him when I said that he will go to her as soon as she's single. (there's it, me being annoying again-- what was I supposed to respond to his statement then). He says that he loves Me, and he sees his future with me and he would not prefer to be with anyone else no matter what. I tell him I need to think about what to do here because she's not going away as she's family and if I am okay with seeing her in family functions and knowing that this is the woman my boyfriend has a thing for. He says he doesn't. He will stop his behavior. I just need to tell him what to change and he's upset that's it's a whole thing now. I am like, you are a grown ass man I shouldn't be needing to tell you how to talk to other woman when you are in a mature relationship. Wtf?
I am not the kind of person who'd go for "me or her" approach. It's his life, he can give whatever place to whoever he wants. I shouldn't be telling him who to talk to and how to talk. He is just going to resent me if I am the reason he cuts contact with her. He hasn't yet. Now he's offering but there's no way he means it. I think he is just scared to lose me. They have a tightly knit cousin's group and maybe soon every body will know that I am the reason he isn't talking to his puppy love Clara. I just don't want to be that person and I hate that he put me in this position.
I don't know what to do here. Do I tell him to stop talking to her? Tell him it's Me or her? Or Do I walk away? I don't feel comfortable with the third option that "to let it be". To watch him have these deep feels for this other woman. Maybe I am over reacting. Please give me a perspective on this.
TLDR: Boyfriend says he will be always be in love with his ex but later says he didn't mean it but somehow admits that he still has feelings for her. What do I do here?
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