tl;dr, my husband told me he is suicidal but won't go to therapy and says I should just listen to him because it makes him feel better but now I feel desperate and trapped. Am I overreacting?
My husband and I had what I thought was a nice night last night (dinner out together, couch cuddling at home, board games), but then when we were going to bed he said he was thinking about checking himself into the hospital for suicidal thoughts. I told him I supported him doing whatever he needed to be healthy and said I was scared and didn't want him to hurt himself. He kept talking about his fears and I, as a person who suffers from major anxiety and depression myself, started to feel pretty freaked out. I kept it under control, but at one point I said, "I don't know how to help you other than to say I am here for you. I can't take your fears away but I can tell you I am here for you."
Me saying "I don't know how to help" apparently triggered him. He got really angry and said I was just saying that so I had an out to not help him, which is not how I meant it at all. I was feeling overwhelmed, it just sort of fell out of my mouth. I really wasn't trying to dismiss him and I don't think my tone conveyed that. I wasn't speaking in an angry tone, if anything it was a sad and scared tone.
After his anger subsided, he went to sleep, but I stayed awake, went into the living room and privately had a panic attack, drank some water and sat with the cat until I was calm enough to try to sleep around 2am.
This morning, we woke up at 6:30 and I said I wanted to talk more about what he said about feeling suicidal and reiterate my support for him getting help in whatever form he needed. (I have had years of therapy, I am very pro-therapy.) He said he didn't actually mean that he wanted to go to an inpatient facility, "that's just how he felt in the moment." I asked him if he still felt suicidal, he said yes. I said that scared me, that I don't want him to harm himself and I want him to stay alive. I reiterated that he should not have to live with these thoughts. He doubled down on his usual excuse of not having time for therapy. I maintained that his mental health was worth spending time on.
His next excuse was that he didn't want to talk to a white person about his feelings. This is more valid, but we live in a large metropolitan area. There are therapists of color within our insurance network. I said I understood his concerns but that I was still scared for him and that he doesn't have to accept feeling this way.
He then got angry again and accused me of just not wanting to listen to him. He said when he tells me he feels suicidal, he doesn't necessarily mean he wants to harm himself but telling me he is suicidal "makes him feel better."
I started crying when he said this. I couldn't help it. It brought me back to a bad place we were in last summer when he said something similar and then punched a wall. I feel like I can't tell any friends about this because they might say I should leave. My husband has a fear of abandonment from childhood trauma. I don't want to confirm his worst fears, but I feel so trapped and desperate. I am at work now barely holding it together. He is also at work now so I know he is safe, but this is clearly a pattern and I don't know what to do.
Am I wrong to think that I should not have the hold all of this trauma for him? Is that what I am supposed to do as a wife?
[link] [comments]
from Relationships https://ift.tt/2FWtF6j
No comments:
Post a Comment