> My [39M] kids [10F, 6M] say they don’t like me.
I’m not sure if this is a “parenting” issue or a “relationship” issue, but thought I’d start here as I think this issue definitely involves my wife as well.
I’m 39, my wife is 41, and we have two super great kids – 10 yo girl and 6 yo boy. They are healthy, do great in school, have some nice friends, we live in a nice neighborhood – life should be great. I work 40+ hours a week, and my wife has been a stay-at-home Mom for 10 years and has obviously spent a lot more time with the kids and has bonded with them more just as a function of being there more.
But… my wife and I have had a strained relationship for quite a while (about 2 years or so) and I’m afraid that it is starting to rub off on the kids.
My wife and I have been to marriage counseling to improve our marriage but honestly not much has changed. I am by no means perfect and I know I haven’t been a perfect husband, but I am trying to improve and communicate more and to be more attentive. I have learned a lot from counseling and books and am trying to put that to work in my life.
My wife is also trying, but, from my perspective, quickly falls back into her old habits which include:
- When we are having problems, she glares and is rude and in general just shuts down. I think that everyone, including the kids, pick up on this.
- Undermining me in front of the kids (not a unified front at all).
- Supports her Mom (my MIL) who also is rude to me and now the kids know that “Grandma doesn’t like Daddy”.
- From my perspective, I’m the only discipliner between the two of us. My wife will ask the kids to do things 10 times (literally) and then give up and get frustrated. I will ask once and/or give a warning, and then punish them (time out, take away computers, 10 minutes yard work with me, something). I’m not a super mean dad or super militant, but I do set and enforce rules.
I have seen this strange repeating pattern where I will have some really fun one-on-one time with the kids (or just me and both kids), we have lots of fun and basically zero problems, but then they come home and tell Mommy that they didn’t have fun and it was horrible.
For example, this past weekend I took my son camping with some other dads and sons, we had a ton of fun, but then told his Mom he didn’t like it and he missed her and never wants to go again. I’m 100% sure he had fun – it’s obviously when kids are laughing and smiling and bike riding and having fun – a 6yo can’t fake me out on this. My wife doesn’t “approve” of this one-on-one time and I think my kids have picked up on it.
That’s just one example. It seems to happen all the time:
- Daddy is driving you to school today. “Oh no please Mommy drive us.”
- Daddy has to work late and won’t be home for dinner. “Yay!”
- Where to sit at dinner? “Next to Mommy.”
- Want to ride home with Mommy or Daddy? “Mommy.”
- I missed you guys last night (working late), did you miss me? “No not really.”
- I Go camping with Daddy? “Oh no I don’t want to.” (Has fun.) “Oh no it was horrible.”
- I Big hugs for Mommy. None for Daddy. (My wife also shows zero physical affection to me.)
I really like my kids (obviously) and am proud of them and have a lot of fun with them, so it hurts, even though they are little kids, when they say things like “Yay dinner with no Daddy!”
So, and why I’m writing as I’m wondering if I’m trying to read to much into this, my kids love their Mom and are super close to her, so I think when they see Mommy is upset (doesn’t like camping) they don’t want to go against her and they say “oh no I didn’t have fun”.
So, I guess my question is: is this normal? Does anyone else have a similar relationship with their kids? Do I just suck it up and be the “Dad” and the “man” that has to enforce the rules and am seen as the bad guy or is this really messed up?
Tl;dr – My kids have said some hurtful things about how they don’t like me, even though I really try to be involved and a great Dad. Are my marital/parenting problems rubbing off on the kids?
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