I want to start off by apologizing if anything I've said in this post is offensive. Transgender lingo is very new to me so please let me know if I've said anything wrong and know it is completely unintentional. I could just really use some help, and I'm not sure where to turn.
TRIGGER WARNING: I put some of the offensive things my dad said in the post. Also mentions suicide
My (29F) FTM 25 year old brother came out to my immediate family 2 weeks ago (he had come out to me about a month prior).
History:
We grew up in the "Bible Belt" south. As children, our mother was a narcissist (but is actually doing better now that we are all grown up) and verbally abused us constantly with some physical abuse as well. Our dad was the "nice one", but did enable her behavior by downplaying her treatment of us. She treated him the same way so I think avoiding confrontation is just his way of dealing with conflict, but that meant we had no one to stand up for us.
They divorced, and my dad married another narcissist and enabled her behavior towards us. Our dad started drinking about 10 years ago, and he is now a functional alcoholic. I don't know if it's the alcohol or being surrounded by hateful people all of the time, but my dad has become meaner as he has gotten older. We (me, my trans brother, and our other brother (20M)) have all gone low contact with him and his family, so we have occasional calls and a very occasional visit.
My brother: I want to start by saying my brother is very emotionally intelligent. He gets that this transition is confusing/upsetting to some, and he tries not to take it personally and just talk them through their feelings. Also years prior to this he came out as gay so this isn't his first rodeo (also my dad took THAT news pretty well and was very accepting). I'll be honest in saying that it definitely caught me off guard when he came out to me, but I wasn't upset or anything - he's still him. We've always been very close since it was us against the world growing up and, I don't know, it just wasn't hard for me to accept.
The current situation: My brother came out to my parents via text so they would have time to process before they spoke with him. My dad was still awake (not the plan) and drinking (very bad). He sent a very supportive message back to my bro and then immediately called me upset. I tried to be supportive of my dad because 1. We live in the most closeminded part of the country - most people here have these backwards views because it's the norm and they've never had their beliefs challenged and 2. I felt like I could help him come to terms with this and save my brother's feelings in the process. My dad was extremely upset and would cycle from sad to angry to nice throughout the 2 hour conversation. I told him I was proud of the accepting message he sent and basically tried to encourage positive feelings. When he was mad or angry, I told him that I didn't fully understand either, but that we didn't have to understand to be supportive. I told him that if he was mean to my bro that it wouldn't help anything and just drive a wedge between them. The call ended with my dad promising to be nice.
Well 10 minutes after the call my dad sends my bro a bunch of mean messages (thanks alcohol + the south.) The next day when he had sobered up, he apologized, but the damage was done. Over the past couple of weeks he has randomly messaged my bro at different times to say horrible things, such as:
- You can call yourself whatever you want but you will always be my beautiful daughter.
- I want to be a dog but you don't see me running around on all fours.
- You will be a pathetic man with a tiny dick.
- It's like you're gone. It's the same as if you died.
- Hey I've decided I identify as Batman. That's okay with you, right???
- sending videos of people talking about how transgender is a mental illness
- You just want attention and to be some kind of martyr (my siblings and I hate attention as we had so much negative attention growing up. If anything, we all want to blend into the background)
- You are so selfish and don't even consider how your decisions affect others.
I've called him everytime he's done this to let him know his behavior is unacceptable and hurtful. He apologizes, but then a couple of days later it's the same thing. I'm so angry that I'm about to cut him off. My brother wants to continue the relationship and just ignore him when he sends those messages, but I know it gets to him and deeply hurts him (drunken words are sober thoughts) - he's trying to be strong because our dad has had depression issues in the past and has had suicidal thoughts.
But I just can't take it. It hurts so much to even see the messages - I couldn't imagine if they were directed at me. It kills me when my dad calls me and we have a chill conversation then I found out that right after he sent my brother horrible messages. My bro talked to my dad's wife, and she IS supportive and tells my dad to stop, but she also sticks up for him saying "Well you have to understand this is just what people say when they're upset." BULLSHIT! Maybe you get mad, sad, or confused - but you don't sit there and say the meanest thing you can think of to hurt your child! I can't stand by and be an enabler.
My brother supports whatever I decide to do, and I don't want to make his life/transition any more difficult, but I can't just stand by and watch him be the verbal punching bag of our family. There is no hope of our dad getting help, as we have been trying to get him help for his drinking for years. What should I do? Please help me.
TLDR: My dad gets drunk and sends mean texts to my trans brother while being nice to me. Brother wants to keep a relationship, but I can't watch my dad be this mean and pretend like it's okay. What should I do?
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