TL;DR We have great sex but when I try to communicate what I need when it comes to foreplay, he gets mad.
My fiancé and I have been together (for the most part) for that past 5 years. Of course, we went through the first couple of years in the honeymoon phase with our sex life. Last night was yet another handful of times that we haven’t had sex because I end up frustrated that he just will not touch or kiss me beforehand.
Scenario: We get into bed, lay down and I roll over and put my arm over him with my chin on his shoulder and he’s just laying there grabbing at his junk. I shouldn’t have to lay next to him and psych myself up for the great sex that we really do have (once we get into it) because he will not lay a finger on me. I climb on top of him, lean down and his his cheek and his arms are just at his sides. So, I take his hands and put them on my hips and I get nothing.
I’m extremely frustrated and, unfortunately, any time I’ve had a couple conversation about this it ends up being 100% my fault. He is constantly on me to have more sex more often which is difficult because we work opposing schedules so we really only see each other when we’re both home on the weekend.
He went into the spare bedroom and started playing video games so I decided to try and send him a text because sometimes we can communicate more easily if we’re removed from the ability to get emotionally heated face-to-face.
Here it is:
Me: Do I not communicate well enough? Because we both want the same thing and we have great amazing sex (like AMAZINGG) it just seems like getting there always starts out with frustration. I don't know if you're wanting me to climb aboard and take the reins but I can't get into that mindset if you don't touch me at all. It may sound a bit stupid but I feel dumb just diving right in without having your hands on me too. I need the buildup to feel like you want me just as bad as I want you. Otherwise I get all up in my head and can't get out of it and into the right mindset to have said amazing sex. Does that make sense babe?
Him: No it doesn’t.. if we have amazing sex then what’s the problem?? I wait all day yesterday bc u said u wanted to and I was patient alllll night and u fell asleep on me, now tonight go do all the shit you wanted helped with your gun go to your parents clean your shit, and u climb on top of me 2 min before the food gets here!? I’m getting hard that’s completely ignored then passed on then we eat then I try touching you no response but ow and how I’m doing it wrong then you fall asleep again! So then we finally make into bed at 3am and u take 30 min in the bathroom bc it’s sooooo important and I’m left waiting and when u finally get into bed fuckin NOTHING for 25 min and then u climb on top of me with an attitude!!? Wtf is the matter with you
Me: I'm laying next to you with my arm across your chest and head on your shoulder and you don't turn toward me, lay a hand on me, nothing. You touch yourself and don't touch me. That's what's wrong with me I guess
I'm trying to be communicative because this is important and it's reoccurring. But it feels like when I try to talk about these things it ends with an argument because it feels like I'm being insulting when I promise I'm not I'm just trying to tell you what I need from you.
Me: And I don't want to fight with you this isn't something that needs an argument. It's something that needs a discussion with clear communication.
Him: It’s pitch black!! I just can’t do this anymore I have made my point clear as day! I do everything you ask of me and needs communication??? We have this argument every week bc u drop the ball or don’t care enough... I’m not doing this anymore
Me: Literally that too but that doesn't seem like something you're into how does kissing me not involve touching me?
Him: Wait what!?? You used to be sooo into sex with me you would do anything to have me now all I get is excuse after excuse lie after lie it’s a fucking joke and I don’t want to do it anymore, have your bullshit and I will find someone who wants me like you USED TO
Me: Sweetie, I still want you. I just said I did and if I didn't, then I wouldn't be trying to have this discussion.
And it went on for a few more messages until I gave up and fell asleep as it was 4am.
What can I do, if anything at this point?
All advice is greatly appreciated because I have no one to talk to about this that won’t be extremely biased.
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