I don't know if I'm more seeking advice or just a shoulder to cry on right now. Basically last night, my wife and my mother got into a huge argument on the phone. My wife and I have been together for almost 8 years, and we have an infant daughter who we are getting baptized and were planning the luncheon. We sent out invitations, and the one to my parents specifically just to my mother and father, and not my sister. My sister [F22] is a struggling drug addict, who at the present moment happens to be clean for the time being. More power to her, I wish her only the best. But she hasn't been around at all in the past few years, her and my wife have no relationship, and my relationship with her is very strained to begin with because we never got along as kids and I started acting out and taking it out on her. My father was an abusive alcoholic for basically my entire childhood, and my mother was mentally abusive in a way that I can't explain. For the longest time growing up it was just her and me, but I think as a result of that she relied on me too heavily and she still does.
So my parents took offense to the fact that my sister isn't invited, because "she is their daughter" and she is "doing well" and "no one is promised a tomorrow" and that she wants to "see everyone". My wife and I started the phone call and I opened by saying we felt that it just wasn't the right event and that we would certainly entertain the idea of doing something in the future just not right now. My mom said "ok" and that she had to go and hung up. I should note, we also had it out a bit last year while my wife was pregnant, because my sister felt entitled to seeing the baby and wrote a passive-aggressive letter to my wife and a less passive-aggressive letter to me stating her feelings and asking for a "chance". I guess since its my family I'm more susceptible to forgiving or extending an olive branch, which is why I'm where I'm at now and thats sleeping on the couch.
Well, my mom called back shortly after that and her and my wife got into it. Now, I guess a part of me felt that this was a long time coming and that I wanted to give my wife that platform, but another part of me felt like I should intervene. I always have tried to mediate and play the middle man between the two of them, for better or for worse, and that's my fault that I just feel like I can't stand up to my parents a lot of the time. Due to my upbringing I've been left with scars that at times of turmoil with them make me want to curl up into a shell and wait for it to blow over. Its probably even codependence. During the phone conversation, my mother even went so far as to say "is this how YOU feel, 'my IRL name' ?" To which I just completely froze. I do feel that way, just not as strongly as my wife. Its not her family and I just feel some sort of obligation or pull to them sometimes that I can't explain.
The conversation ended and my wife labelled me a liar and that I don't have her back, and gave me an ultimatum that if we're going to even work out at this point that I need to cut out my family 100%. I don't know how I can do that, but I see her side. She says I'm still being abused by them, that its all psychological warfare and that they like to play the guilt card on me, which is definitely true.
I don't want to lose my wife, and seeing my daughter every day. But I also don't want to lose my family. And I am just stuck because I'm being made to choose now. "I will need space and time to figure out my next steps. You will need to do the same." And that none of this is forgiveable, and even if I cut them out she will need time to learn to trust me again. And that I can't have any kind of contact with them. I feel so depressed, so upset so angry.... I wish somebody could help me
tl;dr: Wife and my mother got into huge fight, there were empty threats from my parents and guilt tripping. Wife gave me an ultimatum that its her or my family and I have to go 100% NC with my family if I choose her, and that she doesn't trust me anymore.
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