My wife and I have been married for 9 years and generally get along well. We both enjoy getting drunk once a week together on our day off and we vent, listen to music, laugh, cuddle, and just generally have a good time.
She grew up with very overbearing, controlling parents. We're talking, she had to write the lyrics to the music she listened to down so they could approve it. She had to wear boys clothing once puberty hit to hide her body. They pushed it into her head she was asking for it or be "promiscuous" otherwise. When she got anxiety and depression they welcomed it and put her in homeschool so she would just sit in her room daily. Her dad also has a history of being aggressive. And they made her fear a lot of things, including alcohol and drugs and they are very judgemental.
Despite it all she maintains a minimal relationship with them. Holidays and birthdays we visit. The problem is that next door she has a cousin who is our age who I'm friends with as well. He drinks but he's outlasted and judged as the alcoholic in the family though he really isn't that bad. I went over to his place once after work and we drank together and suddenly my wife was being called by her sister, and parents, posts were made online, and it sent her into an anxiety attack. She was upset at me for going to his place and drinking and causing so much drama for her after she told me not to because that would happen. She cried and shut down her family for months after that. She didn't defend me because she had told me this would happen and it would cause her unneeded stress and it did. I didnt expect her family to react so openly, publicly and privately and shame as bad as she had told me but since she warned me and I didn't listen she put a bit of it on me.
Problem is we both like her cousin and my wife would enjoy going to his place with me and having some drinks every now and then on our day off and he's always inviting us. The only reason she doesn't is because he's basically in her parents back yard and it's not worth it to her so the idea is off limits.
I want her to just take a stand, do what she wants and not care what they think. She just crumbles to them and it's not right. Her dad has some health issues and she maintains that their reaction to her drinking with her cousin would mess everything up and if her dad died while she was distancing herself she would have regrets.
She feels I'm selfish to still push for us to go over to her cousins and bbq and have a few drinks because I know it'll cause trouble. I feel like she's letting her parents run her life and my life and placing limits on what I can do. What do you think? Shouldn't she just do what sh e wants as a grown adult, take a stand? Or am I just out of line here? We be invited him to our apartment but he declines as he's gotg animals at home he does not want to leave alone all night
Tl;dr; wife won't drink at her cousins even though she has expressed she wants to, because her parents next door go nuts with judgement and disappointment. Then she goes nuts WITH anxiety attacks. So I'm not even allowed to go drink with her cousin who is my friend because her family will rush to her acting like I'm Satan and it's troublesome stressful for her. She wants to maintain a relationship with them simply due to their declining health. I don't like having rules because of their stupid judgement. Should I just bow out and say her cousin is her family and I'll never hang with him freely?
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