Should Marriage Make You Happy or is Happiness an Inside Job?

Richard Nicastro, PhD looks at finding “meaning over merriment” in marriage and challenges us to monitor our expectations that marriage “should” bring happiness.  Is happiness better found inwardly first?

No one gets married to ramp up the suffering in their life. Quite the contrary, many of us marry (or enter into a committed, intimate relationship) in order to experience greater joy and happiness. The marital ideal equates happiness with marriage. “They’re so happy together”; “Look at the happy couple”; “Marriage suits you well” are common descriptions of couples who are believed to have achieved the marriage-happiness ideal that so many of us are grasping for.

But for every voice staking claim to a happier existence through wedlock, there are those other voices, more cynical (realistic, perhaps?) in nature, ready to pounce with, “Sure they’re happy now, but just wait until reality hits and they’re pulled back to earth.” These people tend to see couples who report that marriage has indeed ramped up their happiness quotient as basking in the glow of an untested new relationship…one that is bound to be confronted by the challenges and realities that are part of any long-term, committed union.

If equating marriage with happiness is a cultural fabrication, an illusion that is problematic because it misdirects our expectations toward a reality that eludes so many, then what should one anticipate from marriage?

Creating a Healthy Relationship: Finding Meaning Over Merriment

Of course, there are those who experience great joy in their relationship. Or, probably more accurately stated, moments of joy. But there is a big difference between being happy with your marriage (and at times experiencing positive emotions with your partner) versus trying find happiness from your marriage.

It’s important for couples, for all of us, to have the freedom to reflect upon the following: Is happiness something that we should seek from our marriage (or from anything outside ourselves, for that matter), or would it be wiser and more helpful to place our expectations in the only place where we truly have control—within ourselves?

And we should also reflect upon what happiness is. Happiness is an emotion, and like all emotions, it rises and falls depending upon circumstance. Joy, happiness, excitement, eagerness, anger, grief, sadness, disgust, fear, and the like, are transient experiences. They inform us about ourselves as individuals and about ourselves in relationship to others—they are messages that come and go.

And while there are certainly things we can do to keep certain emotions alive for longer periods of time (influenced by where we choose to focus our attention), it seems unreasonable to think that it is possible to constantly keep one particular emotional experience firing on all cylinders. Especially when the experience we seek is contingent upon another person. But this is exactly what we do when we expect that our marriage or relationship or partner is supposed to make us happy.

The happiness expectation (which may exist at an unconscious level) creates a rigidly myopic version of what it means to be in a relationship and what it means to be a person. After all, we are complex and multi-faceted beings. We have the capacity to feel deeply and to experience a wide range of emotions; emotions that should be experienced and integrated into our self-experiences where they can inform the richness of our lives.

So what should a relationship offer us?

Psychologist John Bowlby described the inherent need for attachment to another throughout our lives; For connection and the vulnerability necessary for connection to be realized, we must feel secure with our spouse/partner. A deep sense of emotional safety, of knowing and feeling that we can rely on our partner, allows us to bring ourselves more fully and deeply into the relationship.

This “felt sense” of security can help us feel whatever it is we need to feel—security gives us permission to let down our defensive armor and relate more authentically. It is often within the context of such security that we live our deepest feelings. The stabilizing effect of our relationship may increase our potential to experience happiness and to be more joyful, but just as important, it may bring about a greater peace of mind and contentment, a sense of feeling more alive and vital, cherished and special; or maybe the loving and reliable presence of another may allow for the unblocking of more painful feelings that have been long sequestered within us.

We should be able to come out of hiding with our partner, to take off the masks so many of us wear without even realizing they exist. Rather than a chasing “happily ever after,” maybe we should be seeking opportunities to be more real and authentic with another – a coming together of two flawed beings who would somehow be better off together than they are separately.

The idealization and chasing of happiness can become a mask that stifles as powerfully as any other mask. This problematic masking isn’t exclusive to happiness; it will crop up any time we turn away from what is going on within ourselves and look toward the other to make everything all right.

In short, the goal of “happily ever after” fails when being with another is designed to preempt us from being with ourselves.

Healthy Relationship Reflective Moment:

If happiness is something you seek in your relationship or marriage, is there something you are trying to move away from within yourself?

If so, what is it exactly that you hope to leave behind?

And is grasping for happiness’ promise really the best way to achieve what you want/need in your marriage and relationship?

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When a Narcissist Says – I Love You

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you already know that this type of relationship is one-sided.  

You go through periods of extreme hurt, sadness and questioning not only your own sanity but why you stay with someone so toxic.  

Your partner is likely to be abusive. He loves on his terms only, which keeps you in a state of constant submission and insecurity. When you call him on his selfish ways, he accuses you of being too sensitive or not understanding him.  

Narcissists never take responsibility for the hurt they inflict on those around them because in their eyes, they are perfect.  It is the rest of the world that is at fault, or too obtuse to recognize their greatness.

Still, narcissists have some rare moments of self-knowledge and wisdom.  These do not appear often, and they do not last long. But let’s take a look at a letter a narcissist would write in one of these moments.  

This is a love letter from a narcissist to his partner

Dear codependent partner,

You will never hear me say these words in real life.  

First, because expressing my true inner feelings is something so foreign to me that it just wouldn’t happen.  Secondly, I rarely have these moments of true introspection, so they’d be gone by the time I could share them with you aloud.  And of course, I never tell anyone the truth because I don’t even know what my own truth is.

I only care about myself

I care about you in the sense that you give me something, so yes, I love you for that.  

This isn’t the kind of love non-narcissists feel. I’m incapable of that kind of love—the kind that is focused on the other person’s happiness and welfare.  No, I need you to feed my ego, my sense of self-worth, and admire everything about me. This is why I keep you around, and why I deliberately set up the relationship so you think that if you don’t continue to do those things for me, I will leave you and you will live the rest of your life alone. That’s what I tell you to keep you enmeshed in my dynamic.  

I know that isn’t the truth.  I know that you are a fantastic, intelligent, beautiful woman.  You would be snapped up in a minute. But I can’t have you believe that, so I will criticize you, criticize the things that are important to you like your friends, your family, your religion, all so you will believe that you are worth nothing and have to stay with me.

I love how much power I have over you

I feel like the King of the World when I see how many compromises you make to keep me happy.  Like when you cut yourself off from your friends, or tell your family we just can’t make it this weekend.  That makes me feel great.

OK, I feel a little bad about that right now, because I’m having a small moment of inner truth, but otherwise I love how you give me so much importance.

Here are some other things that I love about you

When you are in our bedroom, crying silently because I’ve yet stopped you from doing anything that might give you a sense of your own worth?  Like I cancelled your membership to the gym, saying it cost too much money (but after that I went out and bought myself some really expensive new shoes, telling you that a man of my position needs good shoes).  

I love how I am able to convince you that you will never have a partner as great and caring as me so don’t even think about leaving me.

I love how you believe it when I tell you that you are the one who is crazy or needy when you ask me to sit down and talk about our “relationship issues.”  When I told you-you should just leave if you don’t like how things are, you wouldn’t.

You make my ego feel good

I loved seeing you try to work on the relationship on your own, with your self-help books about trying to understand how a narcissist’s mind works.  You even went to a therapist! All this one-sided work, just for me. That really makes my ego feel good.

Finally, you had zero expectations from me and from what the relationship could give you.  And that’s the way it should be. Because I’m never going to be in a position to give you anything—it all centres around me.

I love how your world has been reduced to being tuned into my needs, moods and desires.  You no longer ask for anything. But you are very attentive to what I might do next. When you sense my anger building, you go into high alert, trying to calm me down, diffuse me, get me back to “normal.”  That’s my power! It makes me feel great to see you giving, giving, giving and never asking for anything in return.

So yes, I do love you.  But only because you have that type of personality that can be manipulated to serve my needs.  I sensed that the moment we met, and I took advantage of it. You could do better, of course, but I’d never let you think that.

Your narcissist

Of course, this letter is pure fiction.  But it accurately reflects what goes on in a narcissist’s mind.  If you are stuck in this kind of relationship, please do what you can to get out.  You do deserve better, despite what your partner tells you.

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Top 10 Ways to Keep Your Marriage Spicy While Raising Kids

Marriage is all about starting a family and that includes kids. It goes without saying that every married couple plans kids in their subconscious mind all along the way.

People meet, they fall in love and get married. Few beginning years normally prove to be the most magical time of every married couple. They have fewer responsibilities, lots of free time and no need for any kind of discipline. A husband and a wife live only for each other until they become parents.

Things change for married couples when a child is born

The mother needs to dedicate a lot of her time and energy to the child care.

She has to spend her day as per the child’s routine and needs. Getting up and sleeping with a child, feeding the child, taking care of hygiene and much more. The list goes on. With increased expenses, financial responsibilities also get more serious.  

Both husband and wife have to work on all fronts with complete dedication to give a child a stable and healthy life.

Among all these, sometimes, the romance, excitement and love between a married couple fade away. It’s natural and not uncommon. There are many reasons why married people with kids can find a distance between them.

Does any couple want that to happen? Of course not.

So what do we do to rekindle the flame and bring back the warmth in the relationship? Well, there are many ways to enjoy an everlasting romance even after having kids if we set our priorities straight.

Taking out time for each other

Having a kid can turn everything around. Especially time availability. There will be very less free time available, especially for mother. It is a full-time job to be a mother without any breaks. This will surely reflect upon a couple’s relationship.

To fight this problem, a married couple can plan a date or dinner or anything else of their choice to do together.

It must be highlighted here though, that this activity, whatever it may be, should be planned without the kid. Advance planning and proper arrangements make everything smooth and hassle-free.

To make sure that this routine is maintained on regular basis, fixing a particular date or dates during every month would help tremendously. Just wait for the date night and feel the magic again.

 Keep the romance alive

All married people, irrespective of what type of life they live after five to seven year of their marriage, would agree to one thing. The happiest part of their marriage was the first couple of year after their union. There was love, romance, care, intimacy and most of all there were no disagreements.

Flowers, candlelight dinners, gifts now and then and most importantly, spending a lot of quality time together help a lot to keep the glow bright. So why to break the tradition now. Remember your magical days and repeat the things you loved the most. Romance away.  

Enjoy intimacy

Physical intimacy plays a great role in a happy married life.

Enjoy each other’s company as much as possible. It helps a lot in strengthening the relationship in the long haul.

It helps to create a  magical connection between husband and wife. Feel the magic and live in complete awe. Try things.

Small vacations now and then

Family vacations are a must.

Try to plan a vacation at least twice a year. It helps to relax and gives a break from the daily routine. Vacations can be a very good time to clear your unresolved conflicts also.

Happy and relaxed people are easy to approach and to convince. It goes both ways.  

Enjoy a lively social life

Roam in your friend circle a lot. More the merrier. Friends can give you a lot of positive energy. I know it doesn’t sound completely right but getting married, having a kid and thinking about a safe financial future, can be very exhausting.

Happy friends around you will give you the energy to go on.

Watch a lot of movies

It might not sound so smart but watching movies together is a very helpful tool to intensify the depth of your relationship.

Sitting in dark, holding each other’s hand, enjoying the emotions which shake your inside so badly your teeth chatters. So cozy and touchy. Do it as much as you can.

Take care of each other

Taking care of each other makes everything better. It’s the right way to show how much your partner is important to you. Helping now and then in small things, talking about just nothing and keeping a check on each other’s health really matters.

To praise we have to clap with both hands. Meaning, life presents the same challenges equally for both people in any relationship, at least one should not take anything for granted.

Spending time with the same gender

Giving space to each other is good. The best way to do it is to encourage your partner to spend time with friends of the same gender.

Wife with her girlfriends and husband with his boyfriends. This experience gives a very satisfactory feeling of not losing your free and old life at the same time enjoying the blissful new family life.

Don’t blame

Things can go wrong now and then. It’s under no-one’s control.  

So, take a moment and think before saying something to each other which sounds like an accusation.  It can make things a little difficult.

Having said all that

Sometimes we plan a different thing and face something else entirely.

Sometimes everything goes exactly how we plan. How to make the best out of every situation is the main chord here. Once you touch that chord with the right energy, life will become music.

Relationships need time and patience, doesn’t matter how new or old are they. Give them time to breathe and they will become as rich and as erotic as the nicest and the oldest of wine made with finest of Italian grapes.

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How Do I Stop Being a Pushover With Men?

You are a nice person. You want to show love and give love to everyone you meet yet, when you meet certain men you feel as though your kindness is taken for a weakness because they don’t respect your wishes and when you ask for something directly, they don’t do it. You feel like a
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Yes, You can find a real relationship on a Dating App – Here’s How

Just over the last few months, 27 women in my Love Mentoring coaching program have met seriously amazing boyfriends on dating apps. Last year, eleven even got engaged to guys they met on a dating app. One of my Love Mentor coaches even went to a Tinder themed wedding, where the couple openly joked in [...]

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Mitigate the Stress Response with a Hand on Your Heart

Linda Graham, MFT and author of Bouncing Back:  Rewiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience and Well-Being, shares a highly effective stress relieving exercise that encourages the release of oxytocin, the brain’s antidote to the stress hormone, cortisol.

Barbara Fredrickson, a pioneering researcher in the behavioral science of positive psychology, discovered that the neurochemistry of two people can sync up when they are:

• In physical proximity to each other
• making eye contact
• sharing a positive emotional experience
• experiencing a mutual care and concern for each other

The neurochemical synchrony generates a felt sense of shared resonance that can be characterized as a moment of love, certainly a state of safety.

A likely significant contributor to the neurochemical synchrony is the release of oxytocin, the brain’s hormone of safety and trust, bonding and belonging, of calm and connect.

Besides doing my best to attune to and empathize with my clients’ emotional states and regulate their nervous system through a calming entrainment with my own, I also intentionally teach them a tool that helps them use the memory of a safe resonant relationships (which may be with me) to activate the release of oxytocin – the brain’s direct and immediate antidote to the stress hormone cortisol – to help them generate the feelings of safety and trust, love and belonging that can be a powerful support to their own healing and growth.

The “Hand on the Heart” exercise is one of the very first exercises I always teach my clients as a powerful stress reliever.

HAND ON THE HEART

Simply place your own hand on your own heart, breathe gently, softly, deeply into your heart center.  If you wish, breathe in a sense of ease or safety or goodness into your heart center.  Then remember one moment, just one moment, when you felt safe, loved and cherished by another human being.  Not the entire relationship, just one moment.  This could be a partner or child, a friend or therapist or teacher; it could be a spiritual figure; it could be a pet.  As you remember this moment of feeling safe and loved and cherished, let yourself feel the feeling of that moment, let the feeling wash through your body, and let yourself stay there for 20 or 30 seconds.

When we do this exercise, the warm, safe touch of our hand on our heart center begins to activate the release of oxytocin, the brain’s hormone of safety and trust, bonding and belonging, calm and connect.  Warm, safe touch anywhere that feels comfortable on our body can release the oxytocin, but there are neural cells around the heart that communicate directly with the brain and more quickly begin the activation of the release.

Breathing deeply into the heart center activates the calming branch of the nervous system, the parasympathetic branch, and our body begins to relax.  Breathing a sense of safety or ease or goodness or any positive emotion into the heart center puts the brakes on our very fast, very automatic survival responses of fight-flight-freeze.  Remembering a moment of feeling safe and loved and cherished with someone really activates the release of the oxytocin.  Blood pressure goes down, heart rate stabilizes; this technique is powerful enough to calm down a panic attack in less than a minute.

I suggest to my clients that they practice “Hand on the Heart” ANY time they experience a startle or an upset, to be able to back out of a difficult emotional reaction before it hijacks them.  Or even just to practice it to train the brain to create this new response to any difficult moment even before the moment happens.

Research has shown, oxytocin flowing through the body-brain can pre-empt the stress response altogether.

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Those Items in His Bathroom Shouldn’t Be a Deal breaker! Here’s Why

There’s no avoiding the fact that, inevitably, you’re going to have to use your boyfriend’s bathroom. When that time comes you may find yourself curiously looking around at the items surrounding you. The important thing is that you don’t let what you find to become a dealbreaker for your relationship.

A lot of women wish the men in their lives would take the time and effort to invest in themselves by establishing a beauty routine. So there is no reason to shame yours if they happen to be a step ahead and recognize the importance of caring for oneself.

Men do in fact practice self-care, and the items they use to do so may look extremely familiar to you.

The bottom line is that everyone should feel encouraged to do what makes them feel and look like the best version of themselves.

So don’t be shocked when you find certain items in your boyfriend’s bathroom, especially those labeled as traditionally feminine. Instead be open, understanding and accepting of his routine.

Here are five common items you can find in your boyfriend’s bathroom that should not cause alarm in your mind or be a dealbreaker for your relationship.

Bath bombs

There’s no better way to unwind after a long day than by taking a hot bath. Adding in a bath bomb with essential oils only makes the experience even more calming and luxurious.

So why should men be excluded from this soothing treat?

Finding bath bombs, especially ones that are both fun and promote a good night’s sleep, shows that your boyfriend knows the advantages of taking time to relax for oneself.

Erectile Dysfunction treatment

Sometimes men just need some extra help and that is nothing to be freaked out by or ashamed of. The reality is that one in four men who report symptoms of erectile dysfunction are under 40 years old. So finding erectile dysfunction medication is not uncommon.

Having it means that your man is working on the issue.

But if you still have concerns, just have a conversation with him about it instead of letting your thoughts run wild.

Concealer

As Queer Eye’s Jonathan Van Ness famously taught us all in season one of the show: men can wear makeup too, especially to cover up blemishes and skin imperfections.

Now that’s not saying that anyone, man or woman, should or needs to wear makeup to look their best. Some people just simply feel better when they do.

A concealer is a great tool to quickly and easily make your skin look great and hide anything you don’t want others seeing.

Products like concealer can be used regardless of gender, some companies make concealers specifically for men. However don’t be surprised if your man uses one of the many beauty brands that offer concealer which you also use.  

Hair dye

Similarly, as many people know, certain hair dye is made specifically for men and can even be shipped to your house on a monthly basis.

Just like many women, men don’t necessarily like or want to see their hair go grey, especially at a young age.

Grey hair can start appearing in your twenties, largely due to genetic factors. So you can’t really blame your man for wanting to delay the prevalence of those pesky greys.

Waxing Strips

Just like the prior two categories, wax strips are made specifically for men also. Body hair on men is coarse and tends to grow in faster and more full. This is because of testosterone. With a higher level of testosterone, you are more likely to have your hair grow faster and at a greater amount.

Waxing makes more sense for men to do as it offers longer lasting results than shaving.

With going to a salon being expensive and potentially embarrassing, using at home wax strips makes for a perfect solution.

These are just five common items that you can find in your boyfriend’s bathroom; there are so many other possibilities.

Just remember, there is no shame in taking care of yourself and practicing self-care, and the same goes for men.

If you find these items, encourage your boyfriend to keep using them, and you can even try to broaden his care routine by offering suggestions or going through the beauty and wellness section of your favorite store together.

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