I have a friend, who I’ll call Trevor, that I’ve known for a couple of years now. He’s gay, and as far as I can remember has never given any indication that it’s a secret or even something he’s particularly private about. Everyone in our friend group is aware of his orientation and he’s frequently introduced us to guys he was dating or hooking up with. He has always seemed very nonchalant about the whole thing. It never occurred to me that he was closeted in any way.
This Sunday, Trevor and I were having lunch together and afterwards we happened to bump into one of his coworkers and her husband outside the restaurant. Trevor introduced me to the coworker, and then apologized for not being able to remember her husband’s name. Trevor seemed really embarrassed about it, so I tried to diffuse the tension with a joke (which I see now was stupid of me anyway). When the husband told us his name, I remembered that it was the name of someone that Trevor had recently broken up with. So I said, “You probably blocked it out on purpose after that awful Christopher you dated!” Coworker’s husband chuckled, coworker raised her eyebrows but didn’t remark about it, and the conversation went on for a few more seconds just exchanging pleasantries until we went our separate ways. I noticed Trevor gave me a look but I thought he was just annoyed that I mentioned his ex at all.
After coworker and her husband had walked away, Trevor started full-on crying. I’ve never seen him this upset. He shouted at me that he “couldn’t believe I just told everyone at his office that he was gay.” I just kept saying, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was a secret,” and he kept saying stuff like, “What the fuck is wrong with you?” and “I can’t believe you just said that!” Finally he told me to “fuck off” and walked away from me, and ignored me calling him the rest of the afternoon.
By yesterday morning I felt like I was harassing him, so I just sent him one text message and decided to wait for him to respond. I said this: “Trev, I’m truly sorry for the pain my thoughtlessness has caused you. It was never my intention to put you in this position and I’m ashamed of myself for not thinking before I spoke. Please tell me what I can do to make this better.”
I don’t know if there have been any consequences for him at work, if he has said anything to our other friends, or anything. I don’t know what to do. I feel terrible.
tl;dr I mentioned that my friend is gay to his coworker not realizing that she wasn’t aware of it, he’s furious with me and won’t speak to me. I just need advice about how to make this right.
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