My boyfriend, who lives in California, and I have been in a long-distance relationship for the last ten months since I moved to New York City for an academic position. We have been dating for more than two years over all, and have always been in a monogamous relationship. Our relationship has been stormy - we've broken up and gotten back together multiple times - but we've also frequently talked about marriage and kids, and I've considered us seriously committed to one another. He's visited me three times since we've been long-distance, I've visited him once and am planning on visiting him again this summer.
Last night, at about 11:30 p.m. my time, during what was otherwise a routine bed-time call, my boyfriend S asked for my "blessing" to sleep with a female friend who is visiting him tomorrow. While we have previously talked about the possibility of opening up our relationship, it was always in a semi-joking fashion (at least from my perspective), and we never made any serious plans, discussed ground rules, or made it clear that we intended to do this. When my boyfriend told me that he had plans to sleep with another woman, I was deeply upset and told him that I did not want him to do this, and asked him to please promise me not to sleep with this woman while I considered whether I would be okay with opening up our relationship in the future. In essence, I asked him to give me time to consider this fully, instead of just agreeing to something with very little notice. I felt ambushed by the timing of the call (late at night for me, with little warning).
He refused to promise me that he would not sleep with this woman, who is visiting him TODAY, despite the fact that I was crying and begging him not to. He told me he'd tell me if he did sleep with her, but I'm not sure I feel I can trust him to be honest with me. I am so upset over this. When I told him that I didn't want him to do this, he kept asking me for reasons why, and none of the reasons I gave him seemed to be good enough (I want to be in a monogamous relationship, I feel upset when I imagine you with another woman). S has a history of acting in ways I feel are selfish, or at least self-interested, over my objections, and I feel that this is part of a pattern.
I don't honestly think I can prevent this - in a long-distance relationship, I have no way of preventing this or even knowing what S actually does. I feel in my heart of hearts that I need to break up with S, but I am so sad and broken up over this. I feel worthless that my begging and pleading him not to do this wasn't reason enough for him not to sleep with another woman. After more than two years of us dating, when I've introduced him to all of my family, when my father has helped him apply for a job, to be treated like this makes me feel like a doormat.
**TL/DR: I often feel like I am losing touch with what's reasonable and what's not in this relationship. I have the right to object to this, don't I?**
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