I highly, highly doubt that my family uses reddit so I won't bother using a throwaway. It was hard to get a title for this as this isn't even really just about my parents but about all the conflicting connections that will be happening at my graduation coming up in three weeks, hence the length of the post. I'm looking for any advice on how tensions might bubble, how I can diffuse those situations and anything I can do to prevent it! Congrats if you make it all the way through.
To give you an idea of the set-up for this shitshow: I live in a city several hours away from any of my family members so there will be some people staying at my house and some people staying at hotels in the area. My dad and his new wife, my paternal grandma, my cousin and aunt on my dad's side, my mom, my two siblings, my boyfriend's parents, two of my parents' friends from university (one was my dad's friend and one was my mom's friend and they got married to each other), and some of my close friends will all be attending various events at my house, at a restaurant, and at my university. The actual ceremony will be my boyfriend, mom, and dad sitting with each other while I cross the stage. I have a very large extended family on my dad's side so there might be even more people than that. I live in a tourist town so there's lots for people to do when they're not with me.
Firstly, there's my mom and dad's relationship with my dad's family. My parents met in Ontario, where my mom is from, and shortly after I was born they moved to BC, where my dad is from. My dad started cheating on my mom with Heather, who is actually from Ontario (Heather's kids were actually born in the same hospital as me). Her husband moved them back out there when he found out about the affair. My dad just started flying out to Ontario to cheat. Then Heather officially got divorced, my parents officially got divorced, and he moved out there permanently. So basically now my mom is out here in BC with all my dad's family and my dad is out there with all her family. Everyone pretty much chose my mom's side in the divorce but since my dad didn't live in the province anymore and she had custody of us, it was an easy choice. Holidays are always spent with my mum, siblings and dad's side of the family. My nana still refers to me mum as her daughter in law.
We have a family reunion every year and sometimes my mom goes and sometimes my dad goes, but never at the same time. Their university friends that are now married to each other have seen both of them but also at separate times. So I'm not sure how anyone will act when everyone is all together. On the one hand, everyone generally supports my mom, but on the other hand people rarely get to see my dad since he only flies out every few years. Thinking emoji...
Then there's my parents' relationship with each other. Suffice to say, it's not good. They literally only spoke over e-mail after their separation because my dad would just scream at her over the phone. He withheld child support from her, he has always loudly complained about having to pay her alimony, and now that we are grown they still don't speak. It was not clean and they still regularly complain about each other to me and my siblings.
My relationship with D/H is also not the best. I actually spent the last two years of highschool living with my dad in Ontario. Without getting into too much detail, they are both shit parents. I moved back to BC when I turned 18 and didn't speak to either of them for years. My family pressured me very heavily to reconnect with him which I did do when I was ready. Heather never spoke to me again, which I was fine with. I send them both Christmas gifts and I'm polite when I see her, and vice versa, but we don't talk. Over the past few years though I've been rebuilding a relationship with my dad, so it's important to me that he can come to this. I've set firm boundaries with him, try not to expect a lot, and it feels much better for me than when we weren't talking at all. Family ties are hugely important in my familial culture so I'm not considering uninviting him.
There's also how my dad and Heather act. They are both heavy drinkers, which fuels a lot of their inappropriate behaviour. They want to be the centre of attention, they are inappropriately sexual with each other, they bring up uncomfortable topics and they don't mind causing drama. My dad often gets really aggressive if Heather isn't "included" enough in something, and he literally never does anything without her. If she wasn't invited to my wedding, he wouldn't attend. So she's sort of a necessary evil. She's significantly younger than him and dresses even younger than that, which I feel might be threatening to my mom. She's definitely going to be dressed to the nines and probably wearing something inappropriate for a graduation. At this point the plane tickets have already been purchased, so while I would rather she wasn't there at all, I can't really uninvite her now.
Finally, there's my boyfriend's parents. To add a final layer of complexity, my boyfriend's family is also going to be coming down and meeting my family for the first time. I could make an entire post just about my worries about my families meeting each other. My boyfriend's dad really needs to be the centre of attention as well, and gets very emotional when things don't go his way. He's one of those types where he's always sick and always has to one-up you about the hardships of his life. My own family is the opposite, if you try to say anything about being sick or having bad luck you typically get viciously made fun of (all in good sport though) for feeling sorry for yourself and not being grateful for what you have. While at his own house, his family caters to his every whim. If he gets angry because the eggs aren't cooked the way he likes, everyone becomes silent. In my family if you insult a woman's cooking she'll probably tell you to eat shit and die. They're also very high-class rich people whereas my family is a bunch of poor rednecks.
So pretty much I'm starting to feel like I've got the perfect storm brewing here, and that there's definitely going to be some drama, one way or another. I have no idea how I'm going to handle it yet. Right now I'm trying to do things like invite lots of neutral third parties like my friends, plan a killer outfit for my mom to wear when she meets Heather, and plan stuff for us to do that everyone will enjoy and will be occupied with. I had tried to get my mom to meet my boyfriend's parents before next month so that she wouldn't have to navigate two uncomfortable situations at once but it didn't materialize in time.
Tl;dr: My dad and mom had a really, really bad divorce, after which he moved across the country and got remarried. They haven't spoken since. My dad married the woman he cheated on my mom with, whom my mom has never met. In three weeks I'm about to graduate and they are all coming out for it. Also attending will be my boyfriend's parents, who my family will be meeting for the first time. Everyone will be coming to my city, hanging out around my apartment, and attending the same events. HALP!
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