Lurker here...
My husband, a nice man, good father, is in a dying industry (think newspapers/freelance journalism). His career and earning potential has been a struggle more than once in the last decade or our marriage. About five years ago, it got really bad where we did counseling because I was pulling 85% of the financial weight and being the person who did the majority of the child rearing, housecleaning, etc and I was fed up. He ended the lease on his office and now has an office through a relative where his bills were cut a lot so he was able to bring home more dollars even if he didn't get more work. I decided at that point to stay vs. leave him even though he made it clear at that time he had no interest in doing anything outside of his choice of career despite the industry drying up all around him. (When he gets work, it pays well, like more than I earn- but with only a few true jobs a month... it doesn't add up. Plus he can't just hold a regular job and then do this work on the side as it usually involves travel and that would interfere with a 'real' job with regular hours.) I just couldn't justify leaving/breaking up the family because of money... you know the whole for richer/poorer line of the marriage vows when it's not like we were headed for the poorhouse.
But here we are five years later and he's bringing home even less money. (like so far this year, the money he's brought in is less than minimum wage if he was working 40/hrs a week) He does do more of the childcare now- mainly school pick up and drop off and driving to sports and maintains our vehicles (our cars are over 10yrs old) and mows the lawn... But when he isn't working on an assignment I look around and can't figure out what he does all day- the house and cars have plenty of projects he could do, but they sit undone and he claims he just can't get to them. I still do 90% of all the housework/meals, but the kids are older so there's less childcare at least.
I work 50+hrs a week, I make good money and we aren't hurting... but I'm resentful that I have a 'partner' that doesn't pull anywhere close to his fair share in my opinion. I resent he has no retirement (except mine). I resent that he does who knows what all day, while I work my butt off, frequently very stressed due to the tough nature of my job, and don't feel supported in the meantime.
I haven't brought it up to him again (been chewing on it in my head for a few months) but I would love some suggestions on how to make it just not ALL about the money... He's certainly sensitive when I have mentioned it and gets frustrated that the efforts he makes/marketing etc don't lead to more money... but I feel that sometimes diverts away from the bottom line of him not making more money no matter what. We live well, but somewhat frugally (I mean, we're not buying new vehicles, our house is mostly paid for, no credit card debt, we don't go to lots of movies/out to eat, but the boys are in sports and activities etc.) I would like to take more vacations, save more than I currently do for retirement, get a new vehicle one of these days, just general simple goals in life stuff.
I mean, he's not happy (exactly) about the little $ he earns; he will appear to be stressed about a client not paying him in a timely fashion or a job falling through etc- but he isn't inclined to do anything out of his comfort zone to earn more money- especially if it means leaving what he's done for 20+ years. Does it have to get down to talking about separating again and maybe actually going through with it, before he gets it through his head? I'm sick of taking care of him and this has been going on almost a decade now...
I feel like a shit for thinking about separating because he's a nice guy, everybody likes him, he's a decent dad but his lack of interest in earning money and lack of support otherwise... like if he isn't making money/working regularly there should be no projects undone around the house... I just don't feel like I have a partner.
I read through this and I realized I never mentioned that I love him. I do- we have a good, stable life... but at the same time I feel too often like the mom (or caretaker at least) vs. a wife. I feel like maybe our relationship could get back on track if he would more actively share the burdens of married life.
**tl;dr**: Husband is resistant to changing careers, doesn't bring home much money or help out a lot around house as an alternate; I don't know what to do, but I'm resentful and looking for opinions on how to approach him
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