My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years and for the last 2 he has become emotionally abusive towards me. To cut a long story short, he had some financial and job setbacks a couple of years ago and hasn’t been the same since. He has cheated on me twice, has accused me of ruining his life, puts me down, threatens me, accuses me of cheating, gaslights me, punishes me if I see friends (especially if they are male) and has occasionally physically hurt me, too.
I kept thinking he was just going through a bad time in his life and that I should be there for him, and that when things got better for him he wouldn’t be like this anymore - so I've stayed. He's my first and only boyfriend and I don't know anything else.
He got a new job recently and things are working out much better for him, however things with us never seemed to improve. After a very bad incident of abuse, it was great timing that he was contracted to work in the Middle East for 4 months. I was terrified of living alone in a new city (we'd been there for 4 months and another reason I hadn’t left him) and it was horrible at first being apart. However, after the first month, it was almost like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I missed him a lot but I wasn’t crying on a daily basis. We moved to a new city a year ago and it was the first time I had started to make friends and do things I enjoyed.
When he came back, I think he noticed a change in me which he didn’t like. I wasn't as timid as I had been and I guess I had come out of my shell again; I've had energy, I've been going out a lot and I've had a great time with new friends. I've been laughing like, properly. Since he has been back, I have barely been out, I have started to go back into my shell again and he has been unbearable, with arguments every day about nothing and constant put downs.
Last night he finally lost it with me as I had been ‘too quiet’ at dinner. He said I was a miserable c*** and I had ruined his life. That he was breaking up with me. He packed his bags to leave but instead of begging him to stay like I have done before, I just said ok. I packed my own bag to go and stay with a friend and he lost it. Took my phone off me and threatened to smash it up, told me he was going to hit me around the face with the phone charger, took my bag off me and went through my purse to take all my cards out, accused me of sleeping with loads of people whilst he'd been away (I happen to have met some male friends so clearly I must be fucking them) and locked me in a bathroom. He also threw me on the floor and spat in my face.
I managed to stay calm and retrieve my stuff and he started to break down at how sorry he was and how he acted. It was a horrible sight. Eventually I still left to stay with my friend anyway and told him that I felt unsafe being around him. He begged me to come back but I haven’t. He is away with work tonight and I am away for the rest of the week so I won’t be around him. I’ve found a spare room in another flat but I haven’t told him yet - I can't move in until the 16th June so I'm worried about what I'll do until then.
I feel really scared. I know I need to leave him and I feel like the time has finally come where I feel ready, but now it has been a day without seeing him. I miss him. I’m worried about him. How do I stop experiencing these thoughts? I know he is so awful to me and yet I can’t stop caring about him and missing him so much. I really don't want to go back on this and fall for his 'don't worry, I'll change this time'. This needs to be it now
TL;DR I need to leave my abusive boyfriend but I am getting scared about actually doing it because I am starting to pine for him and miss him already. Please give me some tips to stop feeling these thoughts as I don't want to keep going back to him only for him to carry on abusing me.
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