Me (24f), BF (31m), been together two years, living together for one.
We have a pretty solid relationships. Communication has room for improvement, but what relationship is perfect?
Both of us are trustworthy, honest, loyal, never just disappear without an explanation to where we are or where we are going. We are super respectful of each other, and usually do all hobbies/events together.
However, we both are SUPER busy. Mainly him. He has a few time consuming hobbies and projects, and I always help him out on it, and do things to make his life easier since he works 10hr days, then comes home and works for more on these projects (like rennovating some buildings on our property). So he's often worn out and exhausted, and in the short evenings I get after work with him, I cook dinner and we eat, and then go to shower/bed. Weekends are similar, because he works sun up to sun down and then either we go out with friends, or watch a movie at home (aka he falls asleep on the couch).
Let me add, he's not the kind of guy I can just ask to slow down. He gets his selfworth from being busy, and always has multiple projects going on at once. If the sun is out, and he sits down, he feels worthless. He likes to be active, working and busy. So i have already tried asking him to take a day off, but thats just a day wasted to him. Granted he will take off if there is somewhere I need him to attend with me, or family stuff. But little stuff like wanting to drive around or go check something off aren't as important as the projects he has to finish. Granted, some of the projects are for both of us. Rennovating the property, trying to get all new buildings up and ready so we can hopefully get married at home the next two years. And paying people to do this is out of the question. He does all the work himself, and refuses to ever pay someone to do it for him. "Why pay for something I can do?"
The problem is, he doesn't like to spend money. Which I get. We are always pretty frugal, and its hard to justify blowing $100 on a meal out, when its cheaper to be cooked at home. However I do all the cooking, so I never get any reprieve.
So sometimes I just want to go on a date night. Once a month is fine with me. Just to get away from the house and its projects, but get some alone time without him being worn out. Just get some one on one attention, and improve our communication and bonding.
He doesn't like this idea. He rather us go to dinner with friends, and he considers any time he buys the meal, that its a date.
If we are invited out by his friends or family, its a date. If we are invited out by my friends or family, its a date. If we are invited to a luncheon with 75 other people, he still considers it a date.
However to me, a date is just us, alone.. He hates this, and we tend to argue over it.
He believes that since we live together and are together all the time, why take the time/money to do something alone and not with friends? Okay I get that, but like I just want some relationship bonding dates. I dont care if its getting ice cream down the road, or going for a drive. But he always thinks a "date" means $100-$150 fancy dinner out, and gets frustrated.
So sometimes I feel neglected because he puts so much effort into all of his projects, work, helping friends, etc, but when I ask him for a date once a month, he just doesnt understand it. Especially if we recently went to a lunch with friends or something (which lately have been $60 or under, so not even the $100 he claims it to always be, and I always try to eat/drink cheaply.)
So how can I explain to my boyfriend the importance of a "date" to me? The importance of being put first for once and being focused on, and not having to share him with his hard labor projects (which yes, I always help with), or his friends. How can I help him see this is what i need from the relationship, without just constantly internalizing it, and struggling with resentment about it?
TLDR - My boyfriend is a very busy and active person, and pretty social, but does not like the idea of just us going on a date. He doesn't see the purpose of it since we live together, thinks it costs too much, or wants to include other people. How do i express the importance of a date once a month to him?
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