We have been together for slightly more than a year and overall our relationship is good. We are currently in a half long-distance relationship - half of the time he is home, half - studying abroad.
The main issue that we have been having for a very long time in our relationship - is his constant secrecy, especially when it comes to his phone.
The secrecy timeline
The background
It's important to say, that most of his relationships before me were just Internet flings. Basically, girls that he would meet online, talk to via chat/video and exchange nudes with. I was aware of this, since we, too, met online, when he was away for university. I did not have any high hopes about this relationship, but changed my opinion when we met in person. He was the one that initiated exclusivity and making our relationship "official". I have met his family on multiple occasions and know his friends.
Incident 1: 3 months in
When we were only 3 months in our relationship, I noticed an odd pattern - he would answer all texts in front of me, but one from a certain "Taylor". These were texts from someone on Snapchat. I decided to just take my time and confirm my suspicions.
Turned out they were true - he was deliberately not answering those texts when he was around me for a month or so. I confronted him about it and he lied. Told me it was "Taylor" - a guy from uni, then the scenario changed to a girl friend of his, then to it being his ex fling. Eventually I got to the truth - turned out his ex fling was sending him photos of herself in a swimsuit (he wasn’t against it and she knew that he was in a relationship), because she was curious, whether her boyfriend was reasonable for calling her "slutty".
I took my time to think about this whole situation and whether I should end the relationship. I decided to give it another go, after he texted her, confirmed the whole thing (to show that he isn’t lying) and eventually blocked her.
We had a serious conversation about him lying to me and being secretive about his messages. He agreed, that he was in the wrong and promised to work on the issues.
Incident 2: around 6 months in
I was scrolling through my Instagram feed and noticed, that someone followed me to seconds later - instantly unfollow. I decided to go on her page and I noticed, that she was from the same uni as my boyfriend. I assumed, that it was just a friend of his being curious, doing that accidental click - you know, it happens so on and so forth. Asking him about her, I got a response along the lines of: "Oh, that's my ex - Anne. She's been contacting me for the last few months. Probably trying to get together". I mean, I don't aim to know every detail of his life, but just letting me know, that an ex has been constantly contacting you would have been nice.
I expressed my concerns once more and told him, that I would appreciate if he would just let me know, that his ex was contacting him, because it could potentially create a situation that happened before. He agreed and promised to be more open.
Incident 3: a few months ago
When he came back from uni, I've noticed a strange pattern in his behavior - he was always taking the phone with him to the bathroom and never replying to messages beside me. This was happening during all of our dates, so I brought it up. I asked if there is a specific reason, why he decides to reply to messages in the bathroom. He told me, that he even wasn't aware of what he was doing, so he will stop.
Incident 4: a few weeks ago
Well, it did stop... in a way. He stopped taking out his phone in front of me at all. Which sort of made me wonder, if his definition of “being open”, means “being more sketchy”. We had a calm conversation again, I expressed my concerns and explained, that he shouldn’t feel like he can’t reply to anyone when he’s with me, since that is not what I was asking for. I reminded him, that all I asked for is just for him to show, that he’s not hiding anything. He agreed with me and told me he’d do something about it.
Incident 5: now
So now, instead of hiding his phone, he just decided to hide the message preview option, that has been on before. So now, whenever he has a message, it just says: "New notification". What a change, huh? Honestly, I just feel like he either doesn't understand what I want, even though we had multiple talks, or I am just being paranoid about his sketchy behavior.
How can bring this up again? In a way, that he will understand? And am I being paranoid for thinking, that he is hiding something?
tl;dr: Boyfriend [21M] being very shady with me [23F], by constantly being very protective about his phone, after a point early on in or relationships, I caught him lying about talking to an ex.
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