My wife moved to the States when she was 18 to go to university and his lived here 12 years. I’m from New England and she’s from India, from a relatively major city. She came here to study to become a computer scientist but wound-up becoming a nurse. We met in our 3rd year, got married just after graduation and had an accidental pregnancy while I was in graduate school. We had our daughter [5/F] and then decided we could afford another and have a son [2/M]. My in-laws were never crazy about the idea of her marrying a non-Indian and although we’ve come to détente, it can still be pretty rough.
My father-in-law worked for many years as an engineer and has a bit of money saved up – good by Indian standards but paltry by US standards. About a year and a half ago, he fell ill and after recuperating, he came to stay with us. He and my MIL never left. At first it was pretty rough, but over the course of the last year, it’s become intolerable. They only leave long enough to be able to re-enter the country and that usually means we have to send them with several thousand dollars (which we really can’t afford) that they use to live high off the hog in India. The 5 or 6 thousand we’d be using to cover our own expenses go to them.
When they’re here they’re in charge. Meals are to be Indian meals, eaten at Indian times and the food MUST be made to the standards of spice as they expect. Our daughter absolutely hates it, I find myself running to the bathroom frequently and our Son is much closer to my parents than his Indian grandparents – my wife’s family is incredibly strict and when my wife and her parents are home (without me), it’s like some sort of medieval monastery in the house. Children are not to be seen or heard, must be ready to serve the needs of their grandparents and if the 5-year-old fails, she has been slapped. I had to threaten my FIL that I’d have him barred from the country if he ever touched our daughter or son again, but I can’t guarantee what he’s doing while I’m at work.
Since their arrival, my wife no longer works. I work for a bank and often work late. When I get home, our daughter is usually in her room silently waiting for me and our son is elsewhere. When I reiterate to my wife what is going on, voice concerns and ask her to talk to her parents, she gets upset and says she can’t do anything, she’s “powerless.” I’ve got no problem going directly to her parents to lay down the law but she becomes inconsolable, freaks out and begs me not to do anything.
I honestly cannot continue like this. My wife’s siblings (both men) (one of whom lives in London and the other in Canada) have told me that their parents are difficult, my BIL joked that it was “better you than me” and that I should ship them home, but jokingly warned me about sending them to England.
My wife is really unhappy with the situation and often cries when she thinks no one sees her. I am at my breaking point – is it fair to go around her and just speak with my in-laws and put an end to their shenanigans? I’m tired of funding their life, dealing with their attitude and reordering my life for them. Our 5 year old goes to my parent's place to catch a break, watch cartoons and play with my parents. Our son does the same but it's harder. When he leaves my parent's place, he has a full on meltdown. My parents found it heartbreaking, so we've made those trips more regimented.
I'm about to lose my shit. I need ya'lls advice.
tl;dr my in-laws from India boss everyone around, are mean to their grandchildren and are ruining my marriage. My wife feels powerless and won't put a stop to it. I want to go around my wife and to them directly, but am worried about making a bad situation worse.
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